The Words That Remain
by strange.ink91
Summary: What if Maddie Conrad hadn't just taken that Paternity test from her Mother's things? What if she found the story of how this all began?
1. Prologue

**THE WORDS THAT REMAIN**

 **Prologue**

Maddie Conrad quietly stole into her parents room, knowing that they wouldn't be back for hours and that her Aunt Tandy was blissfully unaware that anyone was awake upstairs. Daphne was fast asleep, Maddie heard her snoring in the hall as she tiptoed from her own bedroom. She headed for her Mother's extensive walk in wardrobe – a room that always fascinated Maddie – what seemed like a million different outfits, dresses for award shows and events, comfortable "mom" tees and jeans, and her favourite performance outfits. Her and Daphne had spent hours in here with their mother – picking outfits for shows, playing dress ups and playing with all the expensive jewelery and makeup. Their Mother though, had never let them go past the shoes – to the last shelf that held a few boxes, a safe for their mothers most expensive heirloom jewelery, and opposite, a rack of her very old award show dresses and sentimental clothing like her wedding dress.

Maddie knelt down and felt to the back of the bottom shelf, grasping a handle and pulling out a metal box. She'd remembered walking in here one day to find her mother sitting on the floor crying with this box open next to her. She had been forbidden to touch it, and until now she'd had no reason to betray her mother's trust. But now she knew there was a secret, something that was being hidden from her and Daphne that was making her Mama and Daddy argue a lot, apart from the presence of Deacon. She'd heard her name mentioned in several of the arguments, usually her father begging her mother not to tell her anything. They'd always kept it as quiet as possible, although you could always hear the anger in their whispers. It had only started up since Deacon had started coming around more, and her Mama had told her and Daphne that they were now a couple.

The box was heavy, so Maddie sat on the floor and opened the box there. Not as comfy as the bed, but maybe she'd be able to hide quickly if she heard someone in the bedroom. There was a large stack of papers, a lot of photos and a small leather bound book, she looked briefly at a page and realised her Mama had been using it as a journal. Maddie flicked through the photos quickly, noticing that all of them were small intimate concerts of Rayna and Deacon at places like the Bluebird. There were a couple of contracts, her mother's, her's and her sister's birth certificates, and then at the bottom was a paper that caught her attention, it had her name on it in big bold type.

"Madeline Virginia Conrad's DNA does not match with that of Theodore Richard Conrad, the possibility of him being her father is 0%" She read, and she gasped. She heard car doors shutting outside and panicked. Her mother and Deacon were back. She shoved all the papers in the box and pushed it to the back of the bottom shelf, shoved the paternity test and the leather bound journal in the band of her pants under her t-shirt in case she met anyone in the hall way and quietly but quickly made her way back to her bedroom, turning off her bedroom light and jumping under the covers just as she heard her mother's heels on the stairs. The door opened an Maddie sat up.

"Mama?" she said, yawning.

"Sorry to wake you, sweet girl. Just wanted to check on you before I went to bed. See you in the morning, I love you."

"Love you too" Maddie replied, lying back down and listening as she heard the door to her Mother's room finally shut, and she sat up and clicked on the light. She could guess now, that if Teddy Conrad wasn't her real father, then it couldn't be anyone but Deacon Claybourne. And she wondered, if it was possible, that this leather journal she'd just stolen from her mother would tell the truth.


	2. Chapter 1

I wasn't expecting reviews so soon! Thank you to all who have left their feedback – Obviously new to Nashville fics – and after writing Harry Potter fanfics for years it's been a bit of a struggle to suddenly change to characters that I'm not familiar with – so feel free to review and let me know how I can improve :) I'm torn between how to split between Journal and Maddie's present life, so I'm sort of experimenting with keeping it mostly centred around the journal for now.

 **Chapter One**

Rayna's Journal

I bought this book for songwriting ideas, but it seems more fitting at the moment to just jot down my thoughts and see what songs I can make up from them. Tonight could definitely make a song. Watty rung earlier this afternoon to ask me to sing at the Bluebird tonight, because he had someone he wanted me to meet with – someone who had the potential to be an important part of my career. Curiousity got the best of me, I had other plans with school friends but a chance to perform and possibly get one step closer to a record deal would always come before a silly social event.

I dressed up. Watty had made this seem like a make or break moment, so I couldn't just turn up in jeans and cowboy boots. I wore a dress with my boots instead, told Daddy I was going out with some Belle Meade girls so that he wouldn't object, and drove my new car to the Bluebird. As I walked in, I heard some of the most amazing guitar I'd ever heard. On the stage was quite possibly the most handsome man I'd ever seen, picking at guitar strings and singing next to a woman. There was something about him, that I couldn't take my eyes off him. He just gave off this compelling aura that was drawing me in without him realising. Watty waved to me from the bar, and I joined him.

"That's Deacon Claybourne" he gestured to the stage. A name I will probably always remember. "With his sister. But it's him I want you to meet. I think he'd make an excellent guitarist for you. And some of his original songs are the best I've heard in years."

"Oh, his sister?" I said quietly, eyeing him with a little more appreciation. They finished their small set and my name was announced.

"I want to have a chat with him while you sing, see what he thinks. Then I'll introduce the two of you and you can get acquainted." Watty said before I headed for the stage. I performed one of the songs I'd written myself, with a small amount of applause afterwards. I could write a decent song, Watty had told me, but there needed to be something more to make it spectacular. And what I want, more than anything, is to be spectacular. I felt Deacon's eyes on me the whole time, and stole small glances at him while I sung, butterflies going crazy in my stomach. I headed towards him and Watty and noticed his sister sitting at the bar, her eyes narrowed on me.

"Deacon, I'd like to introduce you to Rayna Wyatt. She's been looking for a co-writer to work with, and I think you'd make an excellent team." Watty said, and I couldn't help but smile shyly, sticking out my hand towards him for a shake.

"I usually work with my sister, but I'm sure I can spare some time for a beautiful woman like yourself." he said with a southern drawl that I could tell was from Mississippi.

"That would be much appreciated, Mr Claybourne" I said politely, and he laughed.

"I'll leave you two to get acquainted. Call me tomorrow afternoon Rayna." Watty left, leaving me shyly standing there.

"Take a seat. Can I order you a beer?" Deacon said, placing his empty beer bottle on the table.

"I'm underage. A root beer will be fine, thank you" I replied, feeling so embarassed. I'm 16 and here is this man who was very obviously not my age, who I'm supposed to write songs with! He came back with drinks after what looked like a heated conversation with his sister, who left.

"Exactly how old are you then?" he asked when he handed me my drink.

"16" I said quietly, looking down at the table, expecting him to run a mile.

"Wow. You're so talented for someone so young. I'm only 19 myself." he replied, and I smiled at him. Not as old as I thought, maybe this could work. We talked for nearly two hours, about ourselves, what we wanted to do with our music, and then finally, I mentioned that Daddy had given me an eleven o'clock curfew. He walked me to my car like a real gentleman.

"I'd like to write with you, and not just because Watty wants us to" I said as we stood by my car in the nearly empty parking lot. I could tell I was blushing.

"So do I, I think there's something between us that could make magic with music. Do you want to meet up tomorrow and have a jam?" he said, standing there looking so irresistable with his hands in his pockets.

"I'd like that. How about you come by my house, there's some lovely gardens that I love to write in. My father and sister will be gone all day, boring country club events" I said and he nodded. I wrote down my address and gave it to him.

"Goodnight, Rayna. Lovely to meet you" he said, leaning forward to kiss my cheek before walking away to a run down truck across the carpark. I couldn't believe he had just done that, it made my heart stop – there was something about him, the way he talked, the way he looked interested whenever I spoke, the way he looked right into my eyes that made me feel like he was staring right into my soul, everything about him, gave me goosebumps. When I finally got into my car, and drove home, all I could think about was him. I can't wait to start writing with him tomorrow, I think we'll come up with something amazing.

Maddie smiled. Her mother, only a few years older than her, had been introduced to Deacon by Uncle Watty – someone who was so wise that Maddie thought he'd probably known exactly what he was doing by introducing them, and exactly what they'd become together. It didn't answer any longing questions though. Although she wasn't sure what she was expecting, not like the first page of this book was going to say "Deacon Claybourne is Maddie's biological father". Before she talked to anyone about that test, she was going to have to make sure she knew who to talk to first about all this. Until then she'd keep it all to herself, because she didn't even know who knew apart from her mother. Did her Daddy know? Did Deacon? It was getting late, almost midnight, but she kept reading.

Rayna's Journal

Deacon came over to the house today, luckily not long after Daddy and Tandy had left. I don't think Daddy would have approved, he's not a country club boy, he's not rich and he's musical. Anything musical and Daddy loses his temper, and I lose mine right back. It's not my fault I'm not business minded like Tandy, who's in her third year of college heading towards some fancy business degree. I answered the door to him, wearing a short sleeved shirt and slacks, with his guitar case. Looking just as handsome as he had last night, except he'd shaved. I'm not sure if he looks as good without the stubble. I'll have to keep looking.

"Good morning. Guess you weren't lyin' when you said your Daddy was rich" Deacon said, looking up at the house.

"I hate it" I replied, and he grinned at me. "Come this way, I'll show you my favourite writing spot" I said, grabbing my writing pad and pen from the table where I'd put them before answering the door. I led him out to the back of the gardens, where we could barely see the house, and there was a small well kept gazebo. "I like being down here, I can forget about everything that's going on in the house"

"You don't like living here?" he asked as he opened his guitar case and sat down.

"No. Hated it since my Mama died four years ago. Even though her and Daddy argued a lot, she would always play music with me. The music in the house died with her. Daddy forbids it" I admitted, sitting down next to him.

"And yet you still seem so focussed on making it big. That takes guts" he said. We sat there for ages, and not a single word made it onto the paper in the form of a song. He didn't like talking about his own childhood, apart from him and his sister singing in their room where their father wasn't home. He asked me lots of questions though, as if he was eager to hear me speak. That excites me a little – I think I've got a little bit of a crush. Eventually I mentioned that maybe we should at least attempt to write something, and for the first time, I think I'd cracked his confident exterior, and he blushed.

"I'm sorry. I just like listening to you talk. It gives me a reason to watch you. You're very beautiful" He admitted, somewhat shy and that made me smile.

"Um, thank you." I said, a bit lost for words. He looked back up at me, and leaned over, placing a soft kiss on my lips before pulling back.

"I'm sorry. I've been wanting to do that since you first sat down last night at the Bluebird" he said. "If I've crossed a line I can leave"

"No, no, don't" I said as he stood up. "I'm surprised, I wasn't expecting that from someone as handsome as you" I bit my lip nervously, and he sat back down, that confident grin back on his face.

"I think we might have ourselves a song there" he said with a wink, leaning over and brushing his hand against mine as he picked up the pen and writing pad. He scribbled for a minute, and then handed it over, picking up his guitar. "Sing it, and then see where it goes"

" _Something's just a little bit different in your eyes tonight, they look twice as bright_ _."_ She looked up at him with a smile. "I don't think Watty will be expecting a love song"

"Probably not, but I feel like it's right with you" he said simply, going back to strumming the melody he'd fitted to the song. I'd been right last night – we could make magic with music together. I sung a few more lines that had come into my head, and we couldn't help but grin at each other, this was where hits came from. Hits that got record deals.

"I knew there was a reason I liked you" he said and we sung it together. I'm excited just thinking about it. Like really excited. I can't believe I'm writing love songs with someone who kissed me! We wrote for what seemed like days, but only hours passed and soon the sun was setting. We hadn't even stopped for lunch, we'd just chatted and written some of the most amazing songs I'd ever sung that weren't covers.

"You're so talented, there's no way I could have done this by myself" I said honestly as we wrapped it up for the day, and he packed up his guitar.

"The talents all you Ray" I like how he shortens my name. No-one's ever done that before. It sounds right coming from him too. "I hope this isn't awfully out of line, but I was wondering if I could take you to dinner one night this week" he asked as he stood up, and outstretched his hand to help me up. He didn't let go either and that made my heart beat faster.

"Like a date?" I asked, confused and he let go of my hand and stood back.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have assumed that you would -"

"I'd love to" I cut him off, and he smiled that smile that I was beginning to love. Something about the way it lights up his eyes is magical.

"Great. Maybe wednesday?" he asked, taking my hand back and leading me through the gardens.

"Definitely. I have school until 4, so pick me up at 5.30?" he laughed at the word school and I felt so embarassed. "Is there something funny about school?" I asked, insulted.

"No, no, of course not. I like that you value your education" he said, and he pulled me closer, putting his guitar case on the ground and leaning towards me, and finally kissing me. He placed his hands on my hips and I felt mine wrap around his neck. I've never kissed anyone like that. And I've never really wanted to, but I could definitely do that with Deacon again. And again. I've only known him two days and I'm already letting him kiss me like this. It's no wonder Daddy went crazy when he spotted us.

"Get the hell off my property, boy!" he yelled, coming down the patio steps. Deacon lept back.

"Daddy, don't!" I screamed back, and he took Deacon by the collar and dragged him through the house. "Deacon, I'm sorry!" I shouted before Daddy slammed the front door in his face and turned to lecture me.

"What on earth were you doing? Entertaining a boy here without telling me, without supervision?" he yelled, and I stomped my foot in frustration.

"I'm not a child, Daddy! I know what I'm doing! All we were doing was writing some songs in the gazebo" I tried to explain. "He's a nice man, I think you'd see that" I pleaded.

"No. No song writing on this property, no music. And certainly not that poor boy and his pick up truck. You know the rules Rayna, you abide by them or you leave!" He shouted. And I realised right at that moment that I was done. Done living here in this house.

"Fine. I'll be gone in half an hour." I told him, turning and running up the stairs. And now I'm sitting here. My bag is packed and I'm wondering where I'm supposed to go. I've got a little money, maybe enough for a motel room downtown, but only for a few days, then where? How did such a magical day turn into something so horrid? Tandy is back now and she's begged me to stay – to abide by his rules and leave music until after I've finished high school, and now she's down stairs trying to talk sense into Daddy. That might keep the peace for awhile, but I can't just cast music and Deacon aside for a year and a half just so that I can stay here. It's times like these when I wish Mama was still here, she would help, she would have known what to do.

Maddie sighed sadly, closing the book. She'd known that her Mom and her Grandpa hadn't really gotten along before she was born. She put the book in her bedside table, under a stack of magazines. Hopefully she could read the book and get it back in the box before her mother noticed it was gone. She really needed to get some sleep – but her mind was full of questions. How had her Grandpa been so cruel to his youngest daughter, just because she was seeing a boy. Would her Daddy do that when she got a boyfriend? Where did her Mama go? She tossed and turned most of the night, questions filling her mind. Was Deacon her father? Should she ask him? Should she ask her mother? Eventually she heard her mother in the hallway, heading downstairs for coffee. She got up and dressed, noticing it was barely after seven. If her mother was alone, maybe she'd mention something.

Deacon was in the kitchen with her mother, making eggs at the stove top. She poured herself a glass of juice and sat down at the breakfast bar, barely speaking when they each said good morning. Her mother was looking at her, knowing something was wrong and wondering what teenage tragedy was bothering her this morning. She felt like shouting at her, but instead ignored her.

"Extra extra crispy bacon, just the way you like it Maddie" Deacon said with a smile, handing her the plate. "I like it the same" he said, and she nodded and thanked him. Was that something she had inherited from him? Like how she could play guitar like him, but her mother couldn't? She watched him out of the corner of her eye while they ate. Her mother was plating up breakfast for herself and Daphne, who had just come down the stairs, the smell of bacon throughout the house had probably woken her. Deacon had the same colour hair as her, and their eyes were the same shade of blue. Things she would have never really taken notice of if she'd still thought Teddy was her father. Other than that she knew she looked like her Mama.

"What's up, Maddie?" Deacon asked her suddenly, and she blushed. He'd caught her staring.

"Nothing. Thanks for breakfast" she said, taking her plate to the sink, rinsing it and putting it in the dishwasher, walking out of the room without another word.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

"What's wrong, sweet girl?" Her mother had followed her. Not exactly what she wanted right now, Maddie wanted to try and think, and maybe write down in her diary what she was feeling before she exploded. And maybe play some guitar. The last thing she wanted was a heart-to-heart chat with her mother.

"Nothing Mom, I'm fine" she said, leaning back on the bed and sighing when her mother didn't leave, but came and sat next to her.

"I don't believe you." her mother said simply and Maddie knew she wasn't going to leave.

"Why do you and Daddy always argue about Deacon?" Maddie asked, and it was her Mom's turn to sigh.

"It's complicated." Maddie was so sick of hearing that word.

"It's always complicated! I'm over everything being complicated!" she excalimed, and her Mom winced. "I overheard you arguing the other day. Something about not telling me the truth. What's the truth?" She asked, and her mother went pale.

"When you're old enough to know everything, I'll tell you everything." Her mother left the room, leaving Maddie frustrated. She grabbed her guitar and started playing, drowing out the thoughts that were consuming her. There was a knock at the door, and she ignored it, hoping her mother would just leave her alone, but the door opened anyway.

"Hey. You're getting real good at that" Deacon stood at the doorway and Maddie couldn't help but smile at him.

"Thanks." she replied shortly, not quite sure what else to say.

"Your Mama's gone to talk about something with Teddy, she dropped Daphne off at some friend's house for a sleepover – so for a while it's just you and me. Want to come play guitar downstairs? Maybe you can teach me a thing or two" He said with a winzk and she nodded, standing up and following him with her guitar. Something was pulling her towards him – she felt like she needed to get to know him better – to see if she could maybe love him as a father. Obviously what she'd said to her mother had shocked her enough to send her over to her father's house to talk. And probably have a proper argument in private. Her and Deacon sat in the lounge, and she noticed that he'd got a guitar out of her mother's music room.

"I never understood why Mom kept guitars in her music room" Maddie said thoughtfully, and he smiled over at her.

"It's mine. She gave it to me for my 20th birthday, a few months after we met. I've kept it here for years for when we write together" Deacon said, looking down at the old guitar, which still shined like new. "I'm surprised it lasted some of the stuff I put it through"

"Isn't that kind of bittersweet? Mom would look at it every time she went in there and remember everything" Maddie asked and Deacon handed her a writing pad.

"You think? Try write about it" he suggested and she nodded, before looking down at the paper.

"I've never shown anyone what I've written before. Mom's asked, but I've never really felt like it's good enough to show her." she replied with a shrug.

"I'll help you, if you need it." Deacon said softly and she looked down at the paper and listened while he strummed out a gentle melody.

" _Sitting there in the corner, no-one thinks anything of it. Taunts me with memories, but I can't bare to move it. So there it stays and softly it sings to me, the stories, the ones of you and me"_ She sung, it always felt better for her to sing it before she wrote it down. He stopped when she did, and looked at her with wide eyes.

"That wasn't what I was expecting. You're fourteen, how did you think of that?" He asked, placing his guitar next to him and looking at her, confused.

"I don't know. It just came to me." Maddie replied honestly and he smiled.

"You have the gift" he said simply.

"Do you ever think about if you and Mom had stayed together?" She asked. He looked a little shocked "Sorry if that's a bit personal" she added hastily.

"I do. A lot." Deacon admitted and she nodded.

"Why did she marry my Dad if she still loved you?"

"I was messed up Maddie. I hurt her a lot with my drinking. Yeah, I wished she'd waited, but I understand why she couldn't. I broke her heart over and over and I couldn't stop. She didn't deserve that. I deserved to be left for someone who could treat her better" He said sadly. Maddie thought back to the book upstairs and wondered what was in there about years after her mother and Deacon had started seeing each other. She figured that eventually her mother would have written about his drinking and how it upset her.

"Mom thinks I'm too young to ask questions like this" Maddie stated, picking up the paper again and writing the first few lines of her song down, thinking of more from what he had said.

"You are. But she doesn't seem to notice that you're mature beyond your years. If you showed her your songs maybe she'd understand you a little better."

"Well, if we finish this one, we could sing it to her later" Maddie smiled. If Deacon was her biological father, it wouldn't really be that bad, would it? She was angry at her Mom for lying, but she'd always sort of felt out of touch with her Daddy, him and Daphne played sports together, but she'd never really had anything in common with him. This felt better, the two of them bonding over music. He picked up the guitar again and she sang another line, and he joined her to sing what they had already.

"What's going on in here?" Rayna was back, and both her and Deacon smiled at her.

"We're writing together" Maddie replied, and watched as her mother kissed Deacon quickly, and then kissed her forehead, sitting down in the armchair opposite them.

"Will you play it for me?" Deacon and Maddie shared a look and Deacon nodded at her, encouraging her. She picked up her own guitar and followed Deacon's lead, and she started singing. Her mother looked close to tears by the end of it.

"Maddie did most of it by herself, I just showed her a few tricks to tweak it with" Deacon said as they finished, and Rayna was speechless. It took a moment for her to compose herself before she looked at her daughter.

"That's beautiful. I didn't know you could write like that, sweet girl" her mother got up and hugged her daughter, tears on her cheeks. "You've grown up a lot without me noticing"

"I have Mom, that's why when I ask questions it frustrates me when you say I'm not old enough. Because I know what I'm asking – I'm prepared for the answers" Maddie said and watched as her mother tried to figure out what to say next.

"I know" She said simply. Then she got up and walked away. Leaving Maddie more confused than ever. She looked to Deacon for an answer to her confusion.

"Give her time Maddie. She's probably a bit rattled from whatever her and your Daddy had to discuss. I'll go and talk to her. You did real well with that song by the way – keep it. One day it'll be a number one" He smiled at her before he headed up the stairs. She followed him, hesitated by her mothers closed door, thinking about trying to listen in, but ended up going to her room and placing the song she'd written in her desk drawer with the others. She tried reading a magazine. She tried opening a textbook and doing her homework. She couldn't concerntrate. She was about to place her headphones in her ears when she heard her mother's door open and Deacon stomping down the stairs, her mother yelling after him, telling him to come back, that she was sorry and then it started to sound like begging. She looked out her bedroom window, watched Deacon head towards his truck. Her mother came out onto the driveway and she hopped in his truck, trying to stop him from leaving. She could see them yelling at eachother, and then she got out and watched him leave, turning and walking back to the house. Maddie wasn't sure what to do – did she go and see if her Mom was okay? Then she saw Deacon's truck pull back into the driveway and he barely even stopped the truck before he was jumping out and running back into the house and up the stairs.

Her Mom had been right, things with Deacon were complicated. Maybe she'd just have to pretend she knew nothing a little longer. The last thing she wanted to was to scare him away.

As always – any feedback is much appreciated :)


	4. Chapter 3

Argh What a nightmare – I apologise! - My formatting hasn't been transferring from the word doc to , and it looks so hard to read!

* * *

 **Chapter Three**

Rayna's Journal

It's been a busy few days. I took my suitcases, and left my home. Not that it had really been home for the last four years. I had managed to sneak into Daddy's office and found a thousand dollars in his desk. That with what I had would probably last a week or two, until I found a job and a place to live. I ended up in a motel downtown, not far from the bluebird. I knew who I wanted to ring, but didn't even know his number. I couldn't even ring him to tell him not to pick me up from my fathers. If he was even going to bother turning up now that he'd been kicked out by Daddy. I rung Watty and told him what happened, and we planned to meet Thursday. School was obviously done with, there was no way I could work to have a roof over my head and still manage school, and homework. This is it now, me against the world. Tuesday night and someone knocked on my door. I wasn't even sure what was going on. Had Daddy found me?

Deacon was at the door. "I rung Watty to see if he'd talked to you. He mentioned you were here"

"Yeah. Come in. It's not much, but it's a lot more relaxing than the house" I laughed, opening the door to him, and he came in.

"How long you stayin' here?" he asked, sitting down in the armchair next to the bed. I sat opposite him on the bed.

"Dunno. Watty's covering the bill while I look for a job and an apartment." I said nervously. "I don't even know where to start"

"Sing. Come stay with me. Got a one roomed place out east. Probably not what you're used to, but tips from gigs cover the rent and utilities. Usually have enough left for some food." He said, and I shook my head even though I liked the idea.

"I couldn't do that! Thank you so much, Deacon, but that's too much" I blushed.

"I'll sleep on the couch, you can take the bed. I'm not letting you stay here Ray, it's not safe alone. Grab your suitcases and lets go. And at least now I don't have to pick you up before our date tomorrow" he winked at her.

His place wasn't what I was expecting. One room. Two if you counted the small bathroom with a toilet, basin and shower. It was a mess, there were beer bottles everywhere and it needed a good clean.

"Sorry. I'll clean it up tomorrow before we go out" He said sheepishly, seeing the shock on my face. "I'll order up some pizza, make yourself at home"

"Thank you Deacon" I said, placing my suitcases over by his bed, and then rearranging the sheets and blankets. They are definitely getting washed tomorrow. They don't look like they have ever been washed. We picked up most of the beer bottles into plastic bags while we waited for the pizza, which made it a little better. It still needed a good sweep and mop, and the kitchen needed a really good scrub. More cleaning than I've ever done in my life, but I'm going to make the most of this small space. I took a quick shower, noting that I'd be in here with a toothbrush, and when I'd dressed afterward, I came out and saw what Deacon had been doing since. There was a box with a blanket over it in front of the couch, with two pizza boxes on it, and candles. The lights were out and there was music playing on his little boom box.

"Thought this might make it look a little less like a dive" Deacon grinned at me from the couch.

"That's real sweet, Deacon" I said as I sat down next to him. We ate, talking a bit. I wasn't quite sure what to say to him, this whole staying at his place thing is new, even if he is going to sleep on the couch. Afterward, he put a different record on and when he sat back down he put his arm around me. He apologised for making Daddy angry. I told him it was hardly his fault, it's the music that pushes Daddy's buttons more than anything else. And it was going to happen eventually anyway. I couldn't believe it when I was talking, he was listening and then suddenly, he leant over and silenced me with a kiss. And it was like the first time all over again. I still can't believe it, me! He wants me! Tall, handsome, talented Deacon Claybourne wants me! We kissed for what seemed an eternity, and then I felt his hands moving from my hip to underneath my blouse, his hands exploring the soft skin of my stomach. I wondered where this was going, and wondering if I could stop him from doing things that made me feel so good. Tandy had warned me about this. When he hands brushed the underside of my bra, and in seconds, his fingertips were brushing nipples, I froze. He felt me stop and he pulled his hands out and leant back.

"You alright?" he asked, and I nodded.

"I'm sorry. I've never, well I've never -"

"Oh shit. Ray, I'm sorry. I didn't even think about that. Shit." he babbled, sitting back properly and rearranging his pants slightly, even though I could clearly see what he was thinking about.

"I'm sorry. I just, well you know." I blushed, and moved away from him.

"Hey. I get it. You want your first time to be special. I wish mine was. You got nothing to apologise for." He said softly, pulling me back towards him, hugging me close.

"I'd like nothing more than for you to take me over to your bed and keep going, but there's just something stopping me from giving myself to you completely Deacon." I said, glad from this position, snuggled under his shoulder, that he couldn't see my face.

"I'll wait Ray, I know you're worth waiting for. There's something special about you, and I want to see what it is, see if this thing goes somewhere. If that's what you want" He said, and I nodded. He tilted me up for a kiss, one of those deep passionate movie kisses I'd dreamed of having with him. He pulled back and he grinned. "Now, I, uh, gotta have a shower" he said, standing up and kissing me softly before heading for the bathroom. And now I'm sitting here, scribbling this all down while the butterflies in my stomach are going insane. How is it that one man could have me so confused, so ready to throw all caution to the wind and give myself to him completely? He's all I can think about. All the time. What's wrong with me, I'd always put boys out of my mind, my career comes first.

Maddie put the book back in her drawer, grabbing her laptop from her desk. She pulled up Google and typed in 'Deacon Claybourne' and within seconds she'd found pages and pages of news articles about his and her Mom's success. But most of it was recent, their accolades and tour reviews, all the tabloid affair rumours that her mom had tried to hide from her and Daphne, probably given that the internet wasn't really that bigger deal before she was born. Maybe she'd have to go down to the public library and look in their newspaper and magazine archives. She'd do that after school sometime this week, tell her parents she had a school project. Her stomach rumbled, and looking at the clock she realised it was almost dinner time. Another meal where she had to pretend that everything was perfect.

Deacon and her mom were downstairs, sitting at the counter with cups of coffee.

"Hey, sweet girl. Time got away on us today, so I've ordered Chinese, it should be getting dropped off any minute."

"Okay" Maddie replied, walking through to the lounge, sitting down and turning on the TV. She could see out of the corner of her eye that her mom was watching her, looking worried. Eventually she turned back to Deacon and they resumed their quiet conversation. This was horrid – how could they play happy when they were lying to her face, every day? How could they not feel guilty? It made her feel like standing up and yelling at them, scream that they were selfish, tell them exactly what she knew and demand to know why it had taken this long for her to find out, and why couldn't they tell her?

She at dinner in silence. Her Mom and Deacon had ran out of things to talk about and had given up trying to involve her in a conversation.

"What did you guys argue about earlier?" Maddie asked, and she watched them share a quick look.

"Nothing big, just about what your Daddy and I talked about this morning." Her Mom said vaguely.

"I had an idea before." Deacon said, and Maddie looked at him with her eyebrow raised. "Your mom and I are nominated for single of the year at the CMAs, and we're going to go together, so we thought we'd use our guest seats and take you and Daphne with us"

"Really?! But Mom said we were too young" Maddie looked at her mother, waiting for her to say no.

"I changed my mind. If you and Daphne would like to go, we can shop dresses, get a hair and makeup person, treat you to a real award show experience" Maddie was excited, really excited, but she was still pretty angry.

"Like a family?" She asked, watching as her mother took a moment to think of what to say to that.

"Yes, I guess. Is that alright with you?"

"Yeah. I'm not very hungry, I didn't sleep much last night, so I'm going to have an early night." She stood up and walked out, and for the second time that day, left two confused adults behind.

 _Rayna's Journal_

I don't want Deacon to see this, he'll think I'm like a little kid writing in a diary. So writing in here is few and far between. Tonight he's at a gig at a club, and being sixteen, I didn't think I'd have a chance getting in. So I've stayed here. It's been a week and I still can't refer to this place as home. We've tidied it up but it's still not quite right. Watty's booked us studio time next weekend to make a demo for a few local labels, because Deacon and I have been playing our new songs at the Bluebird and a few people have expressed interest in our songs.

We met with Watty last night, a week and two days after Deacon picked me up from the motel. Watty still wasn't impressed that I'd left the motel. He suggested setting me up with my own apartment, helping me out until I got steady income. I couldn't accept that from him though. I can't even get a proper paying gig in this town yet, and I'd started applying for waitressing jobs, but with no prior work experience, it was hard.

"Edgehill Republic Records is interested in you Rayna." Watty said after we'd eaten at a small diner and ordered coffee.

"Really, that's fantastic!" I was so excited, and then noticed that he had more to say.

"Solo"

"Congrats Ray. Knew you had it in you" Deacon squeezed my hand under the table, smiling. I must have looked unsure, or he could read it in my eyes "Hey, we never set out as a duo – we write together, we see each other, but if they want you, you can't pass up the offer"

"He's right Rayna. And this is what you've been working towards. I'm sure they're not going to cut Deacon out completely – they want the songs you're writing. Publishing roylaties are still good money." I still wasn't sure. It felt like it would look like I'd used Deacon as a stepping stone, used him to get songs that would get the attention of label people.

"Okay, so what next?"

"We'll cut a couple of songs as demos for them. Solo. I'd still love Deacon to lay down some guitar for them though, paid work of course"

"Can't turn down paid work" Deacon said, winking at me.

"And then I'll take them to Edgehill, a few other smaller labels, let them know that you've got label interest elsewhere and see who can make the best offer. You know once one label has taken note of you, all the others will start competing."

A record deal. So close, it been my dream for so long. Ever since the first day of Kindergarten when the teacher says "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I've said a singer. I told Deacon in his truck on the way back here that I felt guilty about me getting recognition but not him. But as Watty had said, the roylaties from me recording the songs we'd writted would be good money. "You're the talent Ray – you have been since day one. But whenever you need help, you don't hesitate to ask me" He held my hand the whole drive, only letting go to shift gears.

"Watty wants to rent an apartment for me" I announced once we'd gotten inside and sat down, he'd opened a beer.

"Why?"

"He thinks I need my own space. And I think he might be right, sort of. This is a pretty small place for two of us, you can't sleep on the couch forever, and the bed is too small to share." I said nervously.

"It's not too small, you just don't want me that close" he grumbled, drinking most of his beer in one go. I couldn't remember how many he'd had to drink, he'd easily had a few with dinner, and probably some before we left.

"I told you I'm not ready for that, I'm sorry." I looked over at him, concerned. "How many beers have you had?"

"Not enough. And there ain't any left here so I'm going to go and get more. Don't wait up" He walked out the door, slamming it behind him and leaving me in tears. This was the first time I'd seen him well and truly drunk, even though he had a beer or two most nights. I didn't know what to do. So I went to bed, lay there in the dark wondering when he was going to come back.

He turned up at midday the next day, looking messy, and he had a cracked lip and a black eye. I ignored him.

"Ray, I'm sorry." he said, standing by the door, as if I was going to kick him out. "I get mean when I've drunk too much, I'm so sorry."

"Where did you go?" I asked, avoiding his eyes. He stepped over and sat down next to me on the bed.

"Some bar. Then I got in a fight, got kicked out and went to sleep it off on Beverly's couch." He said, ashamed. His sister didn't like me. Refused to see Deacon or do gigs with him while he was still around me. Her and Deacon had had a better place when they lived together, but she'd moved in with her boyfriend and left Deacon to find a place he could afford by himself.

"I don't think you should drink then" I said and he nodded.

"I won't" he swore. I don't know if I believe him or not, but I let him pull me into a hug before he went to shower.

Maddie closed the book. Her Mom hadn't told her much about Deacon's drinking, but she'd known that it must've gotten pretty out of control. She'd heard her parents arguing about it before, that at any time he could relapse and be a danger to her and Daphne. Maddie hadn't really thought about it, he'd been sober since his last trip to rehab, when her Mom had been pregnant with her. Then she wondered why he'd finally stopped. She mentally noted down that one day she would ask him – one day when the truth was finally out and she could ask questions like that without being told she was too young or that it was complicated. So probably when she was like 30, she laughed as she put the book away.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Maddie ran up to her bedroom as soon as she'd unlocked the front door. Her Mom was off in New York doing some promotional thing for the upcoming CMAs, and her Dad had taken Daphne to soccer practice and had dropped her home on her way. Being 14 now had it's perks, she could be left at home alone. Plenty of time for Journal reading. She'd been to the library the previous day to look at the newspaper archives, and hadn't found much – a few articles saying Deacon had gone back to rehab, a few concert reviews about how Deacon hadn't shown up and one where Luke Wheeler had stood in for him in her Mom's band.

She'd moved the journal, just in case her mom finally realised that it was missing, and she pulled it down from the top shelf of her wardrobe, where it was hidden behind a pair of too small shoes that she couldn't bear to part with yet. She took her usual spot on the bed, flicked through to the right page and started reading.

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

I am officially an Edgehill Republic Records artist. I'm so excited! I signed the paperwork this morning. It's been three weeks since they got my demo and they rung up Watty yesterday and offered me a deal that would be hard to beat. A few weeks shy of 17 and got a record deal. Deacon's taking me out to celebrate when he gets back from visiting his sister. The label want me to record an album asap, and then go out on tour for 6 months with a country act to get myself a fan base, and then they'll release my album, get me on another tour. Once the albums done I have to help pick people for my band. So much stuff to do now! I've gone from the last month and a bit of not being at school, having nothing to do all day, to all this hustle and bustle. I wonder if Daddy's found out yet. I haven't even told Tandy. I know they're going to have something to say when they find out that I am going to be recognised as 'Rayna Jaymes', not Wyatt. Jaymes was my mother's maiden name.

Deacon appeared earlier than expected. I'd showered earlier and was just wearing my robe, not knowing how to dress – he said to dress up, so it was on with a dress and heels, make up, the works. It'd been a while since I'd had the opportunity to do it. When I opened the bathroom door, we stopped and stared at each other. I can never get over how handsome he is in a dress shirt, jacket and slacks.

"You look amazing" he said, drawing me in for a kiss.

"So do you. Where are we going?" I asked when he eventually pulled back.

"Surprise" he said, leading me out the door.

We ended up at the restaurant at the Hermitage Hotel. I was so surprised! I hadn't been there since Mama died. Eyes all over the restaurant turned to us when we entered. I imagined that we probably looked like a good couple. I hope. The meal was amazing, and afterwards Deacon surprised me again – he'd booked a room for us for the night. We went to the third floor and entered a simple suite – it reminded me of the comforts of Daddy's house, oh how I had missed the little things like a bathtub, expensive sheets and plush carpet that felt like marshmallow underfoot.

"Go and enjoy a bath" Deacon told me, kissing me softly. I closed the bathroom door, ran the bath and saw there were two robes hung on the back of the door – the softest white robes I'd ever touched. It wasn't until I was soaking in the tub, something I'd enjoyed for as long as I can remember, that a panicked thought struck me. Is he expecting me to sleep with him? To have sex? Was I ready for that? We had been seeing eachother for over a month, he'd been so accepting and patient with me. Surely sleeping on the couch for a month was hurting him. But could I do it? I wanted to, so bad. Right from the first time he tried to go further, I'd thought about how much I wanted to give in, but did I really want to look back and remember my first time in a dingy one roomed apartment. I felt sort of snobby – but I wanted that dream movie moment.

Eventually, the water started cooling and I knew I'd been in there awhile and that he was probably waiting. When I opened the door to face him, he'd taken off his shoes, socks and jacket and was sitting back on the bed, watching TV. He'd placed a single candle on each of the beside tables. I knew right then and there that this was it. The perfect moment I'd waited for.

"Hey" I said softly, walking over to the bed, before sitting next to him.

"Hey yourself" He replied, smiling and raising his arm up for me to curl up next to him. He turned off the TV and kissed my hair, before reaching up to gently touch the curls. "Have I told you how much I love your hair like this?"

"Yes, but you can tell me again" I joked, before moving up to kiss him. It wasn't often that I would kiss him without him kissing me first, I was still a little shy about it, not sure if it was the right moment to do so.

"Ray, I know we haven't known each other long, but there's just something about you. Something special, that makes you the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. And nearly every moment in between." He pulled back and looked into my eyes as he spoke.

"I know what you mean. I feel it too" I admitted, blushing, and he ran his thumb over my reddened cheek, smiling softly. I took a risk and I dove in, head first "I love you Deacon"

"Love you too Ray" he whispered and his lips met mine again. This time it was different. There was something else in his kisses. Almost like the feelings had changed because we'd shared how we felt. My hands went for his shirt buttons, aching to touch the chest I saw every morning when he woke up and had breakfast before he dressed. It felt just like I'd imagined, soft but strong and muscular. He'd taken this as permission, and his hands dipped into the robe. I sighed against his lips when his cool fingertips touched my skin. He pushed the robe off my shoulders, and broke our kiss to look down at me.

"You're the most beautiful woman in the world Ray" he whispered huskily, placing kisses on my neck.

"Make love to me Deacon" I whispered back, and he didn't need any more encouragement. He was gentle, loving and it was like nothing I had expected. It felt amazing. Every kiss felt like warm rain on my skin. When he'd fully explored my body with his fingers and lips, we came together for the first time, eventually collapsing in a tangle of limbs, breathing hard and grinning at each other. I hadn't expected it to feel so right with him – Mama had always told me to wait until I was married, but this felt like I hadn't betrayed her advice. I loved him. I really did. And he loved me too. What could possibly be wrong with that?

"That was amazing" I whispered.

"I hope it was everything you wanted it to be Ray." he replied and I nodded.

"It was. I hope I was worth waiting for"

"You'll always be worth waiting for. Always"

* * *

Maddie closed the book, feeling slightly sick. She'd never ever wanted to have to picture her mother having sex. But she thought about that last line – You'll always be worth waiting for. Always – He hadn't lied about that. He had waited patiently for fourteen years while her mother had been with her Daddy. He had waited, not making his move until she was ready. And it hadn't been the first time he'd waited. How it must have hurt him to see her Daddy, her and Daphne with her Mom. How it must have hurt everytime they sung together and they went home to different houses. And then she wondered if her Mom had felt the same – if she'd been wishing it was Deacon she'd married. She'd ask those questions, one day.

The more she read though, the more she felt sorry for all the things she'd said to her mother. This was complicated. So much more complicated than Maddie had ever thought possible. Next time she saw her mother she'd apologise for being so rude. Even though she still didn't understand why her Mom had lied for so long, it didn't mean she needed make it worse. Obviously her mother was struggling with it now. She was wondering how much her Daddy had pressured her into keeping it a secret. There was a knock on the door to break her thinking, and she quickly put the book under her pillow.

"Hi" her mom poked her head around the side of the door.

"Hey Mom. I'm sorry." Rayna walked further into the room.

"Sorry for what?" She asked confused, and Maddie sat up.

"For the questions. For being moody. For how I've acted a lot of the last few days" Maddie explained, and she was grateful her mother smiled and sat down on the bed to hug her.

"We all have those days, sweet girl. But you know if I had the answers to those questions, I would answer them, but they're hard questions" Her Mom said honestly, and Maddie nodded.

"Okay. Can I ask you one simple question and can you answer me honestly?" Her mom looked slightly worried, but nodded. "Have you always loved Deacon?"

"Yes. But sometimes love isn't enough to make a life with someone." Rayna replied without having to think about it.

"His drinking?"

"Mostly, yes. When he went to rehab for the fifth time, I realised that I didn't know if this would be the last time, or whether it would take five more times. I'd known your Dad for awhile and we got to know each other better, we loved each other, so we got married. And then I noticed that Deacon was actually staying sober. But it was too late. So I made the most of the life I'd made with your Dad, and I loved him, I got two beautiful daughters from my marriage, so it was worth it." Rayna kissed her daughters forehead. "Now that was two questions, and my answers probably aren't what you should tell your fourteen year old daughter"

"Thanks Mom. Thanks for being honest." Maddie smiled and her Mom struggled to smile back.

"One day, I'll tell you everything Maddie. I just need to be ready to tell you. It's hard to talk about it. Goodnight, sweet girl. I love you"

"Love you too" Maddie lay back down as her Mom shut the door. She hadn't expected that. Once the door was shut she pulled the book out again.

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

I've been so busy! Like flat out busy! It's been three months of hard work and my album is done, and I've got a band – with my very handsome lead guitarist. Next week we leave for six months, off on a small radio tour with small concerts in places all over the country, like the Bluebird, and then all the radio interviews, a few TV appearances, and two festivals in the last month, leaving me with the challenge of getting some more upbeat songs for that sort of crowd.

Not long after I signed my deal we managed to find a slightly bigger apartment that Deacon could afford with continued work doing studio work for Watty. I suppose that was probably Watty's way of helping me without me taking charity. Clever man that one.

As for Deacon and I, well it's still magical. Watty has warned me that the road and the tour might be tough on us – living in each other's pockets nearly 24/7 for 6 months. He also mentioned that keeping our relationship a secret from everyone on the road would be a good idea, especially once the press started hanging around, hoping for a scoop. Deacon, at first didn't like that, but when I explained about showing the other band members my professional boundaries, and then mentioned with a wink how sexy it would be to sneak off after shows and see each other privately. That perked him up a little, after all it's not forever. I'm not sure I want my private life and relationship all over the papers and magazines. It's my relationship, not the world's. I guess we'll have to talk more about that when the time comes. Some of the songs we've written to be performed as duets are going to be like signs above our head saying "we're together!"

We went to the bluebird last night for a few drinks and to listen to the music – I've been told that I should be scoping out songwriters for other potential co-writes to add a bit of variance to my next album, if this one does well. Deacon drove us – Daddy had my car delivered to my apartment building but at the moment I'm still too stubborn to use it. When we walked into the Bluebird, every eye was on us, everyone seems to know that I've finally got a record deal. Its refreshing, how friendly everyone is, last time we came Beverly was here and she was a complete cow, so rude to myself and even Deacon. I'm almost thankful that she's moved back to Mississippi with her boyfriend, and they're getting married. It's nice to have her drama out of the way, but I know Deacon misses her terribly, he still doesn't talk much about his parents and his childhood but I'm guessing him and Beverly went through a lot together.

"Welcome to the Bluebird Cafe, tonight we have a few special guests in the audience, the newest signing to Edgehill Republic Records, Miss Rayna Jaymes, and a Bluebird regular, Mr Deacon Claybourne. We have a small line up tonight, so hopefully we might be able to convince them to do a song or two later. First up we have the very talented, Luke Wheeler!" I knew Luke had also been scouted by Edgehill, but was shopping around, last I heard he was about to sign with Mercury. He has an amazing voice, but most of the songs he sings are about beer and pick up trucks, typical male country songs. Not really what Deacon sings about, I think that's what draws me more to Deacon musically – there's a bit more depth.

Luke came over to introduce himself after he'd finished and the next performer went on, and I invited him to sit down, even though Deacon looked like he'd rather Luke just left.

"Congratulations on the deal Rayna, absolutely fantastic news" Luke said as he sat down with his beer. Deacon was drinking too, and I was keeping an eye on it. The last thing I wanted was another argument fueled by alcohol – I still remembered the first one and he'd been good since. Drinking yes, but no arguments.

"Thank you, I heard you're not far from a deal yourself" I smiled at him, ignoring Deacon's scowl.

"Yeah, I'm looking through a few contracts with my manager. I don't care what they offer, I just want to sing and make money, you know? I'm not really into the writing" Luke said with a laugh.

"So basically you just want to be a poster boy?" Deacon interjected with a smirk. I kicked him lightly under the table and gave him a look.

"You could say it that way. But hey, no complaints here. Can't all be a master of words like you" Luke replied, keeping his cool. We chatted more about music, Luke revealing that he'd been looking at doing a few festivals and fairs around the South over the coming summer, before cutting an album with whatever label he chose.

"Ray, it's getting late. We better get up there, do a song and head home" Deacon said, standing up while the stage was clear and making his way over to it. I told Luke I'd be back in a moment and followed Deacon. Just him, his guitar and I on the stage, singing a song about love. I loved it. I always love it, every time he plays that guitar and sings to me like that I fall a little more in love. Afterwards I headed back to the table. Deacon wanted to leave straight away.

"Deacon's not feeling well, so I'm going to take him home. Was so lovely to meet you Luke" I lied when we got to the table. Luke stood and shook Deacon's hand, and then hugged me, I could feel the daggers Deacon was glaring at us.

"I'm sure we'll definitely end up bumping into each other again – an awards show maybe" he winked, before turning and heading over to another group of people. Deacon was gone by the time I made it through all the people who wanted to praise our performance. He was sitting in his truck. Just sitting, waiting.

"What's wrong?" I said after I'd hopped in and shut the door, but he hadn't started the truck.

"You like that Wheeler guy?" he asked. Straight to the point, as usual.

"He seems nice enough" I replied, confused.

"He was flirting with you, and you were enjoying it."

"We were having a conversation Deacon." I could kind of guess where this was heading.

"Yeah, I've had conversations like that that never stop at just being a conversation. And you were encouraging it"

"Do you really think I'm like that? I think I'll find my own way home. Thanks Deacon" I got out of the truck and walked away. It wasn't until I'd seen his truck going skidding round the corner at the end of the block that I thought this might have been a stupid idea. A seventeen year old girl in a mini-dress and heels alone on the streets of Nashville at 10pm. Great idea. But I walked. It was a ten minute drive home so this walk was going to take awhile.

Deacon wasn't home when I got there. I tried to remember how much he'd drunk before. Maybe three or four beers? Enough that he should be fine driving, I guessed. It didn't stop me worrying though. I showered, and then put a blanket on the end of the couch. He could sleep there while I got a full nights rest, the last thing I felt like doing was dealing with a half drunk, or completely wasted Deacon Claybourne in the middle of the night. I left a note on the blanket "I love you. Only you" and went to bed. His best mate's just moved up from Mississippi, and when they get together, unless I step in to stop their drinking, it'll get messy. And should a 17 year old girl really be scrubbing her boyfriends vomit off the bathroom floor? Probably not. This tour can't get here fast enough – hopefully some time and space can sort this out – for both of us.

He was asleep on the couch the next morning, snoring softly, so I quietly made breakfast and took it back to the bedroom, reading over tour details that had arrived with a messenger while I'd been waiting for the toaster and the jug.

"Hey" I looked up to see Deacon standing in the doorway. He looked like he'd crawled home from wherever he'd ended up.

"Big night?" I asked with my eyebrow raised, looking at his torn jeans and misbuttoned shirt.

"You could say that. I saw your note though" He came over slowly, as if expecting me to tell him where to go, and he sat down on the bed when I didn't speak. "Look, I'm sorry. I jumped to conclusions"

"Yeah, well, maybe you should have listened to me. You're the only guy I'm interested in romantically. And you always will be. If you can't believe me, then maybe you're in the wrong place." He leaned over to take my hands, bringing them to his lips and kissing them.

"I'm not. I just get jealous. You're out of my league Ray, I'm scared you're going to find someone better" He said softly, and I shook my head.

"I chose you. That should be enough. I'm going to come across men probably nearly every day, and occasionally, they may flirt. If it gets me a good interview, I don't care. I'm coming home to you, and that's all that should count." He kissed up my arm and finally met my lips, as he moved over to take me in his arms, he undid my robe and slipped his hands in.

"I love you. Everyday I fall a little harder" And that was the last thing I heard as his fingers and his lips drifted to the spots that he knew drove me crazy.


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Maddie woke up the next morning excited. They were going to pick up Daphne and then go dress shopping for the CMAs. The next two months were going to drag on something horrid. She couldn't wait, and she knew Daphne would be so excited when she found out. Maddie lept out of bed, noticing that it was already just after 9am. Her mother was downstairs making coffee, and she mentioned that Deacon had gone home to his own place for the night, wanting to give the girls some space to go shopping. Maddie wasn't really in the mood for talking much, and her Mom sensed that, and let her be. At least, Maddie thought as she ate her cereal, Daphne would soon fill the awkward silence with chatter and her Mom wouldn't ask her any more questions.

Maddie had been right, Daphne was absolutely ecstatic about going to the CMAs. She chatted non stop about it all the way downtown. Who would be there, who she couldn't wait to see, and how cool it was that her Mom would be performing. They parked in a downtown parking building and walked the streets, looking at shop windows and occasionally going in to the high end boutiques.

"Mom, I like this!" Maddie called as she looked in the teen size racks, her Mom was over helping Daphne look at dresses on the next row.

"That's a bit grown up Maddie, I don't know if that's what you should wear" Rayna said nervously, holding up the tight little black dress.

"Juliette would wear something like that"

"She's not fourteen. You are."

"Ugh. Mom!" Maddie crossed her arms and glared at her mother.

"I'm sure we can find a dress that you like that is still age appropriate, sweet girl." her mom placed the dress back on the rack and pulled out the next one, it was longer, looser, but still black. It was chiffon, and had a gold sequined collar.

"That's alright" Maddie said.

"Go try it on. Daphne's already over at the changing rooms. I'll keep looking and bring you more." Her mom smiled and kept sifting through dresses. Daphne was spinning in front of the mirror in a periwinkle blue dress with a tulle knee length skirt. Maddie almost wished she was still young enough to pull off the dress like a disney princess look.

"That's cute Daph" Maddie said, watching her little sister smile and laugh at her reflection.

"I know! I love it! Do you reckon Mom will let me wear heels with it?" Daphne turned to her sister "Oooh I like that dress!"

"Good luck with the heels" Maddie said before she entered the room to try on the dress. She did love it, but not as much as the first dress. Daphne swapped her dress for one the same style but midnight blue. And their mother let Daphne get a pair of shoes with a small heel, and Maddie got her first pair of proper high heels, and she was stoked that her Mom let her get real heels. They had lunch in an expensive restaurant before they headed home, her mom insisting that they went home to finish their weekend homework before dinner. Maddie had done hers friday night – a little bit more rushed than usual, and was going to try and sneak in a read of the journal.

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

Being on the road is crazy. I never get a chance to sit down and take a breath – mornings are press interviews, radio shows and media events, afternoons are sound check, meet and greets, and then the show, and the after party, and then dragging a tipsy Deacon back to the motel room before he gets too crazy, gets in a fight, or passes out.

It was hard, I was tired all the time, until one night about half way through the six month tour, Deacon poured me a whiskey to drink with the pizza we were eating before the show. Wow, it's amazing how a couple of shots before a show gives you so much energy. And then after a couple of drinks at the after party, the sex is fantastic. Crazy fantastic. And we write some amazing songs. All the stuff I couldn't be bothered with before with all the work, I've found time for because I'm barely sleeping I'm so wired. Although I am looking forward to getting back to Nashville and sleeping in my own bed and getting some rest. At least for the two weeks before I need to start getting ready to launch the new album. And I'm not even getting that much airplay on Country Radio, even though I'm doing all these interviews and shows. It's just not happening. I'm so disappointed. I'm trying hard and it's not working! Maybe Daddy was right, maybe I'm not cut out for this. Maybe I should have finished school first.

Yesterday the head of the Edgehill label turned up unexpected. We headed to the motel's dingy cafe and ordered coffee.

"Look Rayna, I know you're working hard, but you're still not getting the radio airplay we need to launch your album successfully. " He said after we ordered.

"What else can I do?" I asked, eager to please. I need this. So bad.

"Well we've added a couple of fairs and festivals to your line up, it means less days off, but more exposure. But that also means you're going to have to have a few more upbeat songs to add to your set list. And We can see about something for the CMA Music festival just before your album launch. We're not overly optimistic though – Female artists just aren't what they used to be at the moment, there's a select few that people prefer to stick with."

"Alright. What happens if the tour ends and nothing has changed from now?" I was worried, really worried.

"Either we push the release date, or we release it and see what happens. If it's not a good seller. That's it."

"Thanks for meeting with me" I stood up and walked away. This is the only chance I have. If this album doesn't do something, I'm back to a one-roomed damp apartment, singing gigs in dirty bars to try and pay the rent. Deacon has studio work to go back to. I have nothing to go back to. I opened the door to our motel room, where Deacon was sitting on the bed playing guitar, still wearing his well worn pj pants.

"We got anything to drink?" I asked, slamming the door behind him.

"Bourbon in my suitcase somewhere, pour me a glass while you're at it" He said without looking at me.

"Screw the glasses, we don't have anything to do today" I said, taking the bottle, undoing the cap and drinking straight from it.

"I like the way you think baby" he said huskily, taking the bottle from my hands, taking a drink before placing it on the bedside table. We would talk about my album later. Now wasn't the time. He grabbed me roughly and pulled me down onto the bed.

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

My first album has launched. It debuted on the charts at number 17. I'm guttered. It's not bad for a first album, but it's certainly not good enough. Unless numbers pick up, I am done with albums. Bucky and Watty teamed up to come to my apartment while Deacon was at work to break the news. I'll continue opening for acts locally, doing Bluebird gigs and the like to see if I can get picked up for a tour, which might generate a fan base. If I can get on a decent tour, I might get a second shot. I'm a mess. Deacon came home that day to find me in tears on the bed.

"What's up Ray?" He cuddled me from behind, placing gentle kisses on my neck as we lay there.

"My album. It's not good. Unless I can get on a good tour I'm done" I said between sobs, and Deacon squeezed me a little tighter.

"It'll be okay, you know plenty of people in this town think you're talented. Someone will pick you for their tour" He was trying to reassure me. "If I hear anyone looking for someone, I'll put in a good word. Watty's got me laying guitar tracks for the new Reba McEntire record – maybe she'd take you on tour"

"No, I want to be successful because I've worked hard and people think I've got what it takes to make it – not because someones put in a good word for me" I said bitterly. I know he was just trying to help, and I feel really bad for being rude now. He stiffened and moved away.

"I'm just trying to help Ray. No need to be nasty" He said and I turned and kissed him.

"Sorry babe. Really. That came out wrong. I want to do this the right way – not get ahead because I've got good connections in my corner. That's something my Daddy would do – throw money at someone until they can't say no." I tried to explain. He nodded thoughtfully.

"Okay. But if you change your mind, you know where to find me"

"Where? On top of me?" I asked with a wink. Something about Deacon over the last year had made me come out of my shell, be more adventurous. Maybe it was because it surprised him, and every time he followed through.

"I'll remind you about that, and then we'll go have some drinks, Vince is heading to a Karaoke bar downtown"

And then things settled into a happy routine. Deacon would go to work most of the day, laying down guitars for studio tracks that Watty needed help with. He had a steady stream of work it seemed, to the point where we could start buying new furniture, a leather couch, a new TV, a new bed that was big enough for the two of us to be comfortable. I felt lost. Occasionally Bucky would ring with press interviews, label events or local concerts to attend. But they weren't very regular after spending 6 months on tour. We took turns doing thursday nights at the bluebird, and that's when I noticed that Deacon had been writing solo a lot recently. I'm not sure where that puts me. I have been struggling to write. Stuck at home so much I don't know what to write about, I'm not out experiencing things. Some days Deacon would arrive home just before dinner and I'd be half drunk, or even passed out on the sofa. He never once asked why.

Tandy turned up one day about 2 months after my album came out. I had seen her once since I'd moved out of Daddys house.

"Hi" I said shortly, turning and walking away, but leaving the door open for her to come in.

"I've missed you" Tandy said, coming towards me.

"I missed you too" I replied, tears in my eyes as I turned around and hugged her. I couldn't block her out, because I had missed her. Terribly. We'd been so close and now it had been a year since I'd seen her.

"Have you been drinking?" She looked at me sideways, noting the bottle of bourbon and the glass on the table.

"A little. I'm trying to write, but nothings coming out." I said sadly. "Deacon bought me a piano since I still can't get a handle on playing guitar, but it's not helping." I told her, frustrated.

"You're barely eighteen, you shouldn't be drinking" Tandy took the bottle and placed it back in a cupboard.

"You know I'm going to get that out as soon as you leave. I'm old enough to know what I'm doing." I told my big sister, who rolled her eyes.

"Daddy's been worried about you. We know your album didn't do that great"

"Yeah, well you tell him I'm fine. I don't need him, or his money to be happy. Sure this place is no Belle Meade mansion, but there's more love in this apartment that there's been in his whole house since Mama died"

"And what are you doing with your time?" Tandy changed the subject. I knew she'd graduated college last year and was now working with Daddy. Who know's what dodgy deals they're up to.

"Writing. Deacon's doing studio work. I'm doing gigs, opening for a few local concerts, hoping to get myself on a nationwide tour. Good things take time." I said with a smile – a fake one at that.

"So no job? I told you to finish school Rayna, and look where you've gotten yourself!"

"Leave. I didn't let you in so I could get a lecture. I thought we could be friends again Tandy, but I can't do it." I stood up, went and opened the door for my sister. It hurt so much to do this, but I couldn't handle her doubting me. It was making me doubt myself. I slammed the door behind her and went to get the bourbon she'd put away. Deacon would have to go get more later, because this bottle wasn't going to last long.

* * *

"Maddie!?" Daphne burst in the door without knocking, leaving Maddie seconds to hide the book, but her sister had spotted it. "What's that?"

"Do you know how to knock?" Maddie replied, glaring at her little sister.

"Sorry. What's the book?" Daphne asked again, curious.

"I've been writing songs. It's private."

"Right, well Mom sent me up to tell you dinner's ready. Deacon's not coming tonight, so she's cooked" Daphne wrinkled her nose, making Maddie laugh. Their Mom wasn't the worst cook in the world, but she was far from the best. The girls just grinned and beared it, she did try awfully hard to be a good mom, even though she wasn't always home for dinner every night.

"I'll be down in a sec. Just gotta hide my book" Maddie watched as her sister ran back out the room, and sighed in relief. That was close. She was going to have to be a bit more careful, what if her Mom had walked in the door? Although she always knocked. Maddie placed the book back in the top of her closet.

* * *

 _Thanks for all the reviews people! I'm working on chapter 10 at the moment and I've only just realised that I've screwed up the timeline. Rayna is 16 and leaves home in '88. Maddie is born early '98 (a year earlier that the show I believe?) and the present day is set in October/November 2012. I hope that's not too confusing!_


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

Last night was Deacon's thursday night to play the Bluebird. We'd alternated weeks for over a year now, since my album had released. We arrived together, and he got us drinks. He was finally twenty one, and able to legally buy drinks. Although I hardly got ID'd here anywhere. While I sipped at my Vodka and Soda I watched him walk up the stage. He'd gotten our usual front row, off to the side table.

"Hey, mind if I join?" I looked up to see Luke Wheeler standing there with a beer. I nodded and he sat, and shook my head and blew a kiss to Deacon, who didn't look impressed.

"How's touring?" I asked him, desperate to hear what life on the road was like. I had left Nashville twice in the last year.

"Alright. Bit lonely. But at least my label is happy to let me travel round the fairs for a few years before I go in the studio. I loved your album by the way" Luke said with a smile, which I returned.

"Pity the rest of America didn't. I'm on hiatus until I can find a tour. Can't find a tour, no career." I replied sadly.

"You got more grit and talent in you than half of Nashville, you'll get your break. And you'll be the Queen before you know it" Luke reassured her, and she didn't get a chance to reply as Deacon took the stage.

"Last thursday, I sat at a table here and watched the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen perform. Stunning voice, beautifully written songs. And she inspired me, and I wrote this first song on a bar napkin while I listened to her sing. It's called "A Life That's Good", and Rayna, it's for you." He said as he started strumming, and the band followed.

" _Sitting here tonight,_

 _By the firelight,_

 _I don't need fame, no one to know my name,  
at the end of the day,  
Lord I pray, I have a life that's good._

 _Two arms around me, heaven to ground me,  
and a family that always calls me home,_

 _Four wheels to get there, enough love to share  
and a sweet sweet sweet song_

 _At the end of the day,  
Lord I pray ,  
I have a life that's good._

 _Sometimes I'm hard on me,  
When dreams don't come easy,  
I wanna look back and say,  
I did all that I could,_

 _Yeah at the end of the day, Lord I pray,  
I have a life that's good._

The applause was defeaning when he finished and I had tears running down my face. He wrote that. For me. I couldn't – I still can't – believe how lucky I am. He stepped off the stage for a moment to take me in his arms, kiss me and whisper 'I love you', before he jumped back up to resume his set. Afterwards he was swamped with well wishers, like we both were every week, and I stayed at the table, until he could join me. This was his moment. Luke had vanished off into the crowd when he saw Deacon finally approach the able.

"Ray, I got offered an album deal!" He said as he swept me up into his arms and kissed me.

"Congratulations Deacon!" I squealed. It was exciting. This is what he'd moved to Nashville 5 years ago for. And he'd worked hard – he'd helped me out with my tour, spent hours and hours working for Watty and so much time writing and performing. I didn't know anyone who deserved it more. "So whats the details?" I asked after we sat down and the waitress brought us another round of drinks.

"Vodka? Oooh I like how you get after a few of them" he winked and I blushed. "I'll record an album. They want to release it late March, '91, and then I'll head out on a spring radio tour. It'll only be a few months, you can stay here and try and get back into music. I know you miss it Ray, the travel and the performing. You gotta dust yourself off and try again, because I know how well you can do" He grabbed my hand that was on the table and I smiled at him.

"I know. I've been thinking, I might even see if Watty will chuck a few of my songs on a demo, see if I can sell them. If I can't perform – which is my dream, I might as well immerse myself in writing. I'll keep the best ones for us" I said with a laugh.

"Good. You can't just sit at home and drink all day. You won't let me do it, so you can't either" We laughed.

"I loved that song Deacon. I can't believe you actually wrote it about me." I changed the subject, no too keen on discussing the finer details of my failing career.

"It's true Ray. You are my soul mate – you make my life perfect." He told me and I couldn't help but lean over the table and kiss him. I skulled back the rest of my drink, and feeling a bit bold, I stood up, walked around the table and leant down behind him, nipping his ear with my teeth.

"I wanna go home" I whispered in his ear, running my hand down the front of him.

"We need to start keeping vodka in the house" he said as he stood up, grabbed his guitar in one hand, my hand in the other, and we made our way very quickly out the back door to where his truck was.

* * *

There was a knock on Maddie's bedroom door.

"Hey" Maddie looked up and smiled at her mother.

"You've been very quiet this weekend Maddie, do you want to talk?" Her Mom sat down on the bed next to her.

"Not really. Just been thinking a lot" Maddie said softly.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Maddie thought for a moment. Should she just ask if Deacon was her father? What would her mother say if she did?

"What did you and Daddy talk about yesterday?" Maddie asked, and she watched as her mother thought about the question.

"Your Daddy doesn't want Deacon around you. Just like I didn't want Peggy to be here when your Dad was here." She said carefully, and Maddie nodded.

"But we know Deacon. We like Deacon. And Daddy had an affair with Peggy. Isn't that different?" Maddie asked.

"I think so. Especially since you knew what was going on, she wasn't just 'your Dad's girlfriend'. But you like Peggy now, and I think her not being forced into your lives from day one was good for that. Your Dad doesn't agree."

"Why not? I think you're right. Should I tell Daddy that?" Rayna took a moment to reply to Maddie. It made Maddie wonder if her Daddy didn't want Deacon around because she and him might find out the truth.

"No sweet girl, you don't need to get involved. Your Daddy has always been suspicious of Deacon and I – on the road together for weeks at a time. Nothings ever happened though. Believe me." Maddie reached over and held her Mom's hand.

"I believe you. I know you've loved Deacon for a long time, and he told me he had always loved you. And I can guess how hard that was for both of you. But I know you loved Dad too, and that you'd never overstep the boundaries." Within seconds, her mom had pulled her in for a hug, and when they pulled apart there were tears in her mom's eyes.

"You're growing up so fast. And you're wise beyond your years. It scares me a little, but I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks Mom. I love you"

"I love you too" Her mom kissed her forehead, and then stood up. "Feeling better now?"

"Yeah. A little. Thanks for the chat" Maddie smiled at her Mom, who headed for the door. "Goodnight"

"Goodnight. I love you" When the door shut, Maddie sighed in relief. The whole time they'd been talking, her mother's journal had been under the pillow Maddie was leaning against. She put her pjs on and went and brushed her teeth, taking her time to make sure her mom definitely wasn't coming back to her room to talk more. She got the journal out, checked the time and decided she had enough time to read a few more pages before she went to sleep.

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

Deacon's record was launched and it did worse than mine. He went out on tour for a week before his label kicked him to the curb for missing too many interviews because him and his band had been partying hard. We were back to square one. We've been drinking a lot. To the point where sometimes we can't afford groceries. Vince has been coming over a lot and we've been going clubbing. And Deacon's been arrested twice for starting fights with men who have hit on me. This could be rock bottom. I'm done. I've been looking at community college courses for the coming school year. But I don't know what I want to do, music was always my passion, my goal. Fuck it. I'm going to get more bourbon. Deacon will be home from work soon and I don't want to be faced with his defeated attitude while I'm sober.

I cannot believe it! Finally! I think I've got my ticket to possible success! I threw out the idea of college and threw myself back into music. I played gigs at local bars every night for a month. I stopped drinking through the day. Watty came around one day and told me that it needed to stop – the pity party needed to be ended if I wanted my dream. Something in his disappointed face gave me a new determination. I can't just wait for success to fall in my lap. And then, finally, in the spring of '92, I got a call from Bucky.

"Rayna, I've called the band together. You and Deacon need to be at soundcheck with the rest of us to start rehearsals tomorrow morning." Bucky sounded excited.

"Why?" I asked, confused, and my head was throbbing from an occasional late night of partying, that had ended with Deacon sleeping on the couch. Again.

"Because George Strait wants you to open for him at LP Field this weekend. If you do this well Rayna, you'll be joining his tour until Christmas. This is big." I squealed down the phone, this is the break I'd been working so hard to get.

"Sorry! We'll be there. I can't believe it! Thank you Bucky!" I hung up the phone and cried. I was just too overcome with excitement. When Deacon got home and heard the news, he demanded we go out to celebrate. I refused. Drinking and going to rehearsal tomorrow hungover was not going to give anyone a good impression. Drinking excessively was going to have to stop. We argued about it, until I suggested that there was something I would much rather do than drink to celebrate. And then we'd ended up in the bedroom.

And the performance went well. I know Deacon had had a few drinks prior with the other guys in the band, but luckily it didn't effect him on stage. We sung a duet, I sung a song off my album, and then I sung a song I had written a few weeks ago, "Already Gone", and we were done. 3 songs. 3 songs to show George and the crowd that we were worthy of this tour. And we got it! I signed the contracts today! I actually cannot believe it. Especially when I saw how much George's label are going to pay me to open. $300,000 for 90 tour dates over 6 months, paid upon completion of the tour. A lot of work, but that money! I don't even know what I'll do with that much money. I will do anything and everything to not screw this up. I've already talked to Deacon about toning down the drinking before shows, and no fights, driving after drinking. And he understands. He knows how much I want this.

* * *

 _Again, thanks for the reviews! As to uploading more, I like having a few chapters on back up for if I can't get to writing for a few days - writer's block, or too busy with my children. But there still should be an update every 1-3 days, fingers crossed :)_


	8. Chapter 7

Someone told me in a review that LP Field wasn't LP Field back then. Excuse my mistake. I'll use the excuse that I'm a kiwi hahaha. Thanks for the feedback though!

* * *

 **Chapter Seven**

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

I don't even know what happened tonight. It was crazy. We played the Tennesse '92 State Fair tonight. Luke Wheeler was playing after us, then someone else, then George Strait. Vince had come out for the show. Him and Deacon had gone off to play some of the carnival games before my set. It got to half an hour before I had to go on and the rest of the band had got here, we were standing off the side of the stage watching some local band play. And they were really good, but it didn't stop me worrying, wondering where on earth he was.

"Luke, have you seen Deacon?" I asked as I seen Luke join the crowd by the stage.

"Not since soundcheck yesterday. He been drinkin?" Luke looked nearly as worried as I felt.

"I've gotta go on in ten minutes. He's probably passed out somewhere not realising that he could ruin my career." I said, wringing my hands together as I watched the band onstage finish their last song, thank the crowd and come off stage. There was ten minute window between acts.

"Well, I've been watchin' your set every night for the last 4 months, I could step in. And then after my show I'll help you look for him, how does that sound?"

"That's real sweet of you Luke, thank you" I'd been tempted to go and search now, but knew that would kill my career – I can't just bail and expect it to be okay. My set felt wrong without having Deacon there. It felt wrong not looking over my shoulder and seeing him watching me with approval. It felt wrong singing our love songs with Luke. The crowd still loved it, thank god for that. While Luke was onstage doing his own set, I searched the building, all the dressing rooms, the storage rooms, everywhere. Couldn't find him or Vince anywhere, and no-one had seen them. Luke's face mirrored mine, covered with worry, when he came off stage and saw me waiting for him.

"Let's go. This place aint safe for a lady by herself at this time of night" He said, and we headed out into the fairgrounds. It was close to midnight when I gave up. George Strait was finishing his set at midnight and the grounds would close soon after.

"C'mon, this is supposed to be a good night, let me take you on the ferris wheel" Luke said, tugging my hand towards the ferris wheel. I didn't argue. This was supposed to be an amazing night – it was the biggest crowd I'd played for so far, there'd been TV crews here filming for news broadcasts and we'd done newspaper interviews. We lined up for the wheel and Luke paid. We'd been spinning for a few minutes when suddenly it jerked to a stop, and here we were, trapped at the top of the ferris wheel. But Luke pointed out that we also had an amazing veiw of George singing his last song of the night.

"Thanks Luke for getting me on here – this is amazing" I said, smiling at him.

"Sure is Rayna, and I couldn't think of anyone better to be up here with" He said, and I turned back to the show. I didn't think he'd been that interested in me. Oh god. Deacon was right and if he knew we were up here right now, he'd be furious. Within minutes after George left the stage, we were putting our feet back on the ground. We walked back to the building by the stage to get our stuff. Luke was going to share a car with me back to the motel, there was no point waiting here for Deacon after they'd shut the gates and were locking everything up. And Luke was probably right, with so many people around after midnight, I probably shouldn't be wandering around alone.

It's 3am now, and I just got a call from Deacon. Him and Vince got into a fight and they're in the cells. I told him I'd come and bail him out in the morning, it's late and I'm exhausted. But I still can't sleep. We leave here at 10am to go somewhere. I'm too tired to remember. I think it's to Kentucky somewhere. The ride on the bus is going to drag on though, I am not happy about what happened and Deacon is going to know about it. He cannot kill my career. I want 20 years in this business, not to be washed up at 20 years old. What am I going to do?

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

I don't know what's going on. I don't know how to fix this. Deacon and I had an argument last week. My second album went gold in three weeks. The night before the tour was supposed to leave we had a massive argument – he was drinking and wanted to go out before we left the next day. I thought it was stupid. We argued and he left anyway. And I cried while I packed the last of our stuff for a year long tour.

At 2am I was awoken by the phone ringing. I'm still not even sure how I fell asleep – I can never sleep when I don't know where he is or wether he's safe.

"Hello?" I answered the phone, shaking. Another prison call, I guessed.

"Sorry to wake you Miss Jaymes, but we've got a Deacon Claybourne here who's put you as his next of kin on his medical records"

"Medical records?" I'm confused now. And then my heart starts thumping.

"Don't worry – he's fine. Minor injuries, and he's been unconcious. At Vanderbilt -"

"I'll be there in ten minutes" I hung up the phone, threw on some clothes and ran out the door. The five minute drive to the hospital was a nightmare. Another fight? What on earth had happened this time? I parked and walked into the lobby, asking at the desk for Deacon. The receptionist's face dropped, she told me to take a seat and she picked up the phone and talked to someone. Then a nurse appeared a few moments later.

"Miss Jaymes?" I stood up.

"Call me Rayna. What's happened?" We walked toward the elevator, entered and she pushed the button for the fourth floor.

"There was a car accident. Mr Claybourne was the passenger, and sustained minor injuries. A broken leg and a nasty bump to the head. The driver of the vehicle, however, wasn't so lucky." The nurse explained, and I put my hand over my mouth.

"Vince?" the nurse nodded. "He's dead?" the nurse nodded again and tears came to my eyes. "Their wasn't anyone else involved?"

"No. There was a huge amount of alcohol in both of their systems, and he drove into a lightpost, which fell on top of the vehicle" I gasped. What on earth had possessed Vince to think he could drive? And then I thought of all the times Deacon had driven home drunk. We stepped out of the elevator in silence and the nurse led me to room 4. Deacon was laid out on the bed, pasty white, but awake – barely. His foot was elevated and in plaster. There was no way he was going anywhere in a few hours, when we were supposed to get on a bus.

"Ray. He's gone isn't he? Vince" was the first thing that came out of his mouth, tears in his eyes. I nodded. He didn't cry, but I could tell he wanted to. "I should have never told him to drive. I wanted to come home and apologise. So he drove. I've fucked up so bad" I didn't know what to say, I just went and wrapped my arms around him, hugging him close. We sat their for a while, hours even, until the sun started to rise.

"I'm going to have to ring Bucky. I can't leave you like this, and there's no way you're going to be able to come with me" He nodded blankly, and I walked out into the hall and down to the small lounge, where there was a pay phone.

"Hello?" Bucky picked up on the second ring.

"Hey, it's Rayna. Deacon was in a car accident last night. He's in hospital with a broken leg" I said, trying to keep my voice even so I didn't show the devestation I felt.

"Seriously? Shit. I guess I'm going to have to find a back up lead guitarist. He won't be able to tour for at least two months." Bucky said, and I could picture him flicking through the little book he kept by the phone with all his contacts in.

"And me? I can't leave in a few hours!" I said, and I heard him sigh.

"You've signed contracts Rayna. You can't just not go. I'm sorry."

"Deacon can't just go home by himself!"

"See if the hospital can find you a private nurse. He should only need a week at home with someone to help. But you can't bail on this Rayna. You've worked so hard to get this album out and successful, and now you're opening for Garth Brooks." I thought for a moment. Bucky was right. I'd lose everything if I stayed here. I hoped that Deacon would understand. I could be sued if I walked out on this tour, even for a week.

"Alright. I'll see you in a couple of hours." I said, defeated.

"I'll push back the leaving until noon – give you a couple more hours. See you later" I hung up the phone and slowly walked back to Deacon's room.

"You have to go. I know" he said softly, and I nodded.

"Bucky's going to find a replacement until your legs better, and then you can come back out on the road. I don't know what I'm going to do without you babe, we've never been apart this long" I took his hand and he forced a smile.

"You got this Ray. We'll say goodbye now, I'm exhausted." he said, and I cried. We hugged, kissed and then I stood up to go.

"The nurse at the desk is going to arrange someone to come help you the first week or so you're home. I love you" His eyes were already closed, but I don't think he was asleep. He didn't reply and the tears came back.

I came back a week later, we had a travel day and I flew back to Nashville to take Deacon to Vince's funeral. Deacon was different. He'd been drinking a lot, I could tell that from the bottles all over the lounge and kitchen. Understandable though, he was out of work, had lost his best friend and I was away. He didn't talk much. After the funeral we came back to the apartment, I settled him in, did some cleaning while he napped and then woke him up just before I needed to leave to catch my flight back to Richmond to rejoin the tour.

"Babe – I gotta go. I'll miss you" I said when he'd finally woken up. He grunted, and didn't say anything. "I love you. I'll call you when I get to Richmond." I tried to kiss him but he moved his face so my lips landed on his cheek. Yet again I left that apartment with tears rolling down my cheeks.

* * *

Maddie sighed. It was almost time for dinner. Her mom had made some pasta dish and Deacon was coming for movie night. She'd rushed through her homework earlier so she could read some of the journal – tucked behind a textbook incase anyone entered her room without knocking. She looked down at her mother's neat cursive, and then closed the book. How hard everything with Deacon had been for her. Maddie couldn't imagine going through that herself. She could kind of understand why her Mom had married her Dad instead of Deacon, he was a mess and her Dad wasn't. Her mom couldn't have taken a baby home to an apartment that was littered with bottles, where she didn't know if Deacon would be in a good mood or a drunken angry mood. And she had a feeling that Deacon had gotten worse before he'd gotten sober.

She heard Deacon's truck on the driveway and she hid the book and went downstairs. He walked in the door as she entered the kitchen, and she turned to say hello.

"Can you and Daphne set the table please Maddie?" Her Mom called from the oven, where she was getting the lasanga dish out of the oven. Daphne did the cutlery and a pitcher of lemonade she'd made after school, Maddie did plates, cups and salt and pepper shakers. Within minutes they were sitting down. Daphne dominated dinner conversation, telling Deacon all the things she'd told Maddie and Rayna on the way home from school, then talking about the CMAs that were only a week away now. Maddie cleared the table with Deacon after dinner, while Daphne and her mom picked out a movie.

"You alright, Maddie? You've been quiet again tonight" Deacon asked as he stacked the dishes she was rinsing in the dishwasher.

"It's hard to get a word in around Daphne sometimes" She replied with a smile, and he laughed.

"You been writing much?"

"A little. It would be a lot easier if I knew guitar better." She hinted, seeing if he was going to offer lessons – her Mom had told her to ask, but she felt rude asking.

"How about some lessons? A couple of afternoons a week before Dinner when you're here?" he asked, and she grinned.

"That sounds awesome, thank you Deacon!" She hugged him. When she pulled back, he look surprised.

"That is easily the most excited I've seen you in months. You're welcome" He said, finally grinning back at her before he started the dishwasher. "Right, you go see if you can convince your mom to put on a scary movie and I'll make some popcorn real quick" She was about to leave the kitchen when she turned back around to watch him. Her Mom's journal had painted a picture of a completely different man to what she saw there, in her kitchen, making popcorn to watch movies with the love of his life and two kids.

"What'd you pick Daphne?" Maddie asked when she finally stopped staring at Deacon and walked into the lounge, where her little sister was putting a DVD in the player.

"Walk the Line" She said, and Maddie grinned. One of her favourite movies, and also one that her Dad hated her and her sister watching, saying they were too young to see such blatant drug use and sex. Daphne probably was, but that didn't stop them from watching it.

"You know that's my favourite?" Deacon said as he brought in the popcorn.

"Mine too" added Maddie, smiling at him.


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

Deacon was off the tour for 3 months. It was painful. I don't even know how I survived, whenever I rung, he'd rarely answer. We'd have small conversations once a week or so, but I could feel the distance between us growing – he'd started pushing away after the accident, and now it felt like we were strangers. I wrote him letters when I couldn't get hold of him for more than a day or two, or sent him song lyrics I'd been working on that I wasn't sure how to finish. And when we'd talk on the phone he'd never mention them, so I could guess that they were probably sitting on the kitchen counter unopened, if he'd even checked the mail at all.

I will admit to myself, but no-one else, that I was a little scared when I climbed the stairs to our apartment. September '93, a third of the way through Garth Brooks' national tour. I'd been writing furiously in my spare time, trying to come up with some tracks for the next album that we were going to start recording next year when the tour wrapped up. Hopefully followed by my first headlining tour. I put my key in the lock and opened the door. It was dark, the curtains hadn't been pulled even though it was 2 in the afternoon. I flicked on the light and gasped. Every single piece of furniture in my apartment had been kicked, thrown and some of them even destroyed. There were bottles, intact and broken everywhere. I was a little apprehensive to enter the bedroom or the bathroom. The bathroom reeked of vomit, it had stained the bath and the sink. I cringed, it nearly made me throw up.

"Deacon?" I said softly, opening the bedroom door. And there he was, surrounded by dirty laundry, his broken dresser next to the bed he'd collapsed on. I shook him, and he looked up at me, his eyes unfocussed.

"Rayna?" he said, blinking hard. It hurt a little to hear him call me that, he hadn't called me that in years.

"I told you I was coming today. What the hell have you done to my apartment?!" I was relieved to see though, that most of my stuff in the bedroom had survived – he wasn't a total idiot.

"Got drunk" he muttered, rolling over and shutting his eyes.

"our flight leaves at 7pm. So you better sort your shit out. I'm going to go and call the cleaning company, this is going to cost a small fortune to sort out" I rolled my eyes when he ignored me, and as I left the room I heard him speak.

"Princess couldn't clean it herself could she?" I spun around.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!" I yelled, and I saw him wince, the raised volume probably hurting his hungover head. "Tell me why I should have to clean up a mess that isn't mine? And it certainly doesn't look like you're going to do it, since it seems you haven't cleaned up a single thing in 3 months" I said, leaning against the door frame, waiting for him to respond, or at least look at me. After a few minutes I left, off to look in the phone book for the cleaning company I'd rung when we'd moved out of Deacon's old apartment. Then I started picking up the bottles off the floor, then cleaning the kitchen. I had to do something to stop myself from thinking about how Deacon had talked to me.

"Ray" I heard huskily from the door, and I turned to face him, not sure what he was going to say. I raised my eyebrow. "Look it's been hell here, knowing that the accident was my fault and now he's gone"

"Didn't mean you needed to destroy my furniture. My record player – the one my mother gave me for my tenth birthday, is destroyed. That can't be replaced. You could have talked to me Deacon. I rung you every day to talk, to make sure you had someone to talk to" I sat up on the bench I'd just cleaned and watched him think, his eyes looking everywhere but at me.

"So what happens now?" he said with no emotion. I sighed.

"You're going to shower. And pack whatever clothes you can – the ones that don't reek of vomit or booze. You're getting on that plane tonight, you're going to take it easy on the drinking and you're not going to screw up this tour. Performing, seeing that I'm starting to become a success, it isn't the same without you by my side. I love you, I want to help you, and I want you to feel the same about me." When I said I love you I saw his glare soften, the expression in his eyes turn to sadness and he stepped towards me.

"I'm sorry. I've just been messed up. It's my fault he got behind the wheel that night."

"He could have said no. And do you think you survived that so that you could drink yourself to death instead?" He was standing only a few inches from me now. He stunk. It was off putting when he tried to kiss me. "Shower first?"

"Alright. But only because I love you Ray. And I'm going to make it up to you" He turned and left the room. It scares me a little that I don't believe him. Less than an hour later he emerged from the bathroom, looking like the sexy Deacon Claybourne I'd fallen in love with. The woman from the cleaning company had arrived and I had quickly explained that there'd been a death in the family that Deacon had taken hard, and the woman, after a look of sympathy, had gotten into the cleaning alongside me.

"You all packed?" I asked while I scrubbed a stain out of the carpet. He nodded before going over to the trash bags.

"I'm going to take these downstairs. Then I'll come up and sort the broken furniture." He said quietly before he opened the door.

We got on that plane at 7pm, flying up to Chicago to meet the tour. The rest of the tour was painful. Deacon was good for a week – a few bourbons after the show, before I'd tell him to go to bed, and he'd comply. We still didn't talk much, some nights I'd sleep on the couch because I couldn't bare to sleep next to him, where he wouldn't touch me and I'd wake up to see his empty hollowed eyes looking at the ceiling. We'd write occasionally, usually when we had travel days and he could get drunk. We wrote some good songs – some that are definitely going on my next record. And then something happened, something changed. He was drinking 24/7. Apart from our performances he always had a drink in his hand. It was starting to scare me, I didn't know if he would be nice or mean when I encountered him. There were nights we had to switch up the set because he couldn't sing a duet because he was slurring his words. Although he was talking to me more – and we were having some incredible sex – he was going to get himself in trouble, I could tell.

After the last performance of the tour, in spring '94, Bucky appeared at my dressing room door. Deacon had ditched our writing session in favour of going to the closest bar for drinks with the rest of the band.

"Rayna, we need to talk about Deacon." Bucky sat down and I nodded. "Have you thought about talking to him about rehab?"

"He barely even speaks to me, and when we do talk, rehab is the last thing I want to bring up" I said honestly, sitting down opposite him.

"I think it should be a priority – if he does this crap on another tour, it could finish you. He's not capable of leading your band while he's like this. Either replace him, or get him sober." Bucky stood up and smiled softly. "I'm sorry Rayna, I don't want to cause problems between you two, but I think he really needs some help" and he left.

What am I going to do? Will Deacon leave if I suggest he should go to Rehab? I don't know what I would do without him. It's been nearly 5 years of us together, I love him, I need him. Why can't he just stop drinking? I've barely had anything more than a glass or two of champagne since this tour started. Ugh. This is going to be one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I wish I could call Tandy for advice. But it never goes well with her when we talk about Deacon.

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

Deacon destroyed my apartment for the second time when I mentioned that I thought rehab would be a good idea. I locked myself in my bedroom and cried while he threw crap around the lounge and kitchen. And that was when I knew I couldn't do it. I couldn't live with this unpredictable man, not knowing what I was going to wake up to, or come home to. It scared me to hear him ranting and yelling while he threw chairs around the room and kicked over the couch. And then it stopped. And I waited before I opened the door a crack and seen him passed out on the floor, a broken empty bourbon bottle next to him. I shut the door again and finally, after hours of tossing and turning I managed a few hours sleep.

I woke to a hand stroking my hair, and opened my eyes to see Deacon looking at me, kneeling beside the bed with his eyes apologetic.

"I'm sorry baby" he whispered and I shook my head, sitting up.

"You're always sorry Deacon. I can't do it anymore. It's me or drinking. If you don't go to rehab and sort yourself out, I'm done." I said, and I watched the emotions flicker over his face. Anger, desperation, disappointment.

"I don't need to go" he insisted.

"Yes you do Deacon. This is the second time you've destroyed nearly everything in my home. I don't feel safe here. And you're screwing up on stage every night. Rehab will help you – help you deal with your alcohol issues, deal with Vince's death, everything."

"Alright Ray. I'll go." He finally gave in. I leaned in and kissed him, pulling him close, and then on top of me.

"We'll make the arrangements later – I want to make the most of our last day together for awhile" He grinned and complied, making love to me like the sweet sober man I wished he could be all the time.

* * *

Maddie placed the book back in it's hiding place, looking over at the clock she noted that her mom would be coming to say goodnight soon, and she hadn't finished her homework. When her mom finally came in after saying goodnight to Daphne, she'd almost finished her Geography homework.

"Hi Mom" Maddie said, closing the textbook for a moment.

"Still doing homework, at this time?" Her mother asked, her face concerned as she sat down.

"Yeah, I got distracted with a possible song idea earlier." Maddie lied, and her mom perked up.

"Can I read it?"

"I didn't write it down, just sung and played, but I'm not sure if I like it." Maddie shifted her eyes towards her textbook, if her mom looked in her the eye she'd know immediately that she was making it up to cover the fact that she'd been reading the journal.

"Always write ideas down, you can always come back to them when you've had a few days to think on it. I've done that since I was your age"

"Okay Mom, I'll try that. Thanks."

"And you know you can bring anything to me and I'm happy to help" Maddie nodded slowly and then grinned.

"Goes both ways Mom, happy to help as long as I get credited for it" Maddie winked, and her mother laughed.

"Funnily enough, there's one I don't want Deacon to see yet, but I'd love your input, maybe we could have a look at it tomorrow." Rayna leaned over to give her daughter a goodnight kiss. "Night sweet girl"

"Love you Mom" Maddie said, and her Mom turned at the door and flashed her a quick smile.

"Love you too. And I'm so proud of you Maddie, you've grown up into a wonderful girl" Rayna closed the door quietly, leaving Maddie deep in thought. Would she be the same if her real Dad had raised her? What would life be like if her parents had stayed together, would they live in this big house, or would they live in something a little more modest? She knew her Mom hated Belle Meade and the country club lifestyle. So did Deacon. What about Daphne? Would she have still had a little sister? She loved Daphne so much, maybe that was the best thing about being raised in a lie – she had a little sister that she couldn't imagine life without. She had so many questions to ask when it all came out in the open, questions for her Mom, her Daddy and Deacon.


	10. Chapter 9

A small chapter, sorry for the delay. The next will be up in a few hours since this is so small. Thanks for the reviews :)

* * *

 **Chapter Nine**

* * *

Maddie couldn't take it any longer. Daphne was at soccer practice with their Dad, and wasn't due home until just before dinner. She was going to ask for the truth. She rehearsed what she was going to say, and took a deep breath as she walked down the stairs.

"Mom?" She called out when she got to the lounge, and her a muffled reply coming from the music room. "Can we talk?" she asked as she entered the room.

"Of course" Rayna replied, patting the seat next to her. Maddie sat down and smiled.

"I overheard you and Dad arguing a few weeks ago – can I ask you a question about it?" she watched as her mother paled and her eyes widened a little.

"You shouldn't have had to hear us, but yes, you can ask" Maddie watched as her mother nervously tapped her hands on her knees.

"Is Dad my biological father?"

"No" her mother replied quietly, tears coming to her eyes.

"Deacon is?" her mother nodded. "Why did you lie all these years?" There was silence while her Mom thought of how to explain.

"You know Deacon was an alcoholic. I'd started seeing your Dad when Deacon was in rehab, then Deacon begged for me back, so I went back, only to find he was still drinking, I realised that he wasn't going to commit to a proper recovery if he had me to come home to – I thought maybe losing the most important person in his life might show him that he needed to change. So I went back to your Dad, and we kept seeing each other. Then I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't sure who the father was, your Dad said he loved me, he loved you and that it didn't matter if he was biologically your father or not, he'd love you the same. And he always has." Her mom stood up and went across the room to grab a box of tissues off the shelf.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"When would be the right time to tell you Maddie?" Maddie had to agree with that. If she'd been told when she was 5, or 10, would she have understood?

"I guess. Does Deacon know?"

"No. Your Dad didn't want him to know. Tandy and Coleman thought it was for the best that he didn't know, that he would move on and be happy eventually if he saw me happily married with a family. It was a hard time Maddie. If I could go back and change it, he would have known right from the start, but I did it to protect you and to protect myself. I didn't know if Deacon would ever stay sober, and believe me, with him the way he was when he was drinking, it definitely wasn't safe for you to be around."

"He needs to know" Maddie said after a few moments, taking a tissue to wipe her tears. Rayna nodded sadly.

"I know. I'm so sorry Maddie, when your Daddy and I made this decision so long ago we'd never have expected it to get to this. We loved each other so much, we never thought there'd be a divorce and arguments and then dating again. We would have told you one day, but I hate that you've found out this way." Her mother pulled her in for a hug, and they cried together for awhile.

"I understand. Sort of. That's why I waited before I asked. I wanted to make sure I was ready for the answer." Maddie said softly, and her mother pulled back to look at her daughter.

"I mean it when I say I'm proud of you, Maddie. You've grown up to be an amazing young lady, and so mature. I love you"

"I love you too Mom." They hugged again and there was a soft knock on the door before Deacon popped his head around the side of the door

"Hey, not interupting?" he said softly, looking worried as he looked over the scene in front of him, the two of them hugging with tears running down their faces.

"No, perfect timing. Maddie, would you excuse us?" Maddie left the room, after hugging Deacon, surprising all three of them. Then she headed up to her bedroom and sat in her window seat, looking out over the driveway and the trees. It surprised her when she realised the soft toy she was holding tight for comfort was the one Deacon had given her when he'd taken her to the hospital after that Juliette Barnes concert gone wrong. She watched and watched. There was something in her that knew Deacon would storm off, and she wanted to know when he left so she could help her Mom. And sure enough, not even five minutes later, he stormed out of the house and out to his truck, spinning the wheels and sending gravel everywhere, including alll over her Mom's SUV, as he left. She waited. Last time they'd argued and he'd left, he'd barely made it out the driveway. He wasn't coming back this time. She ran down the stairs and found her Mom sitting on the floor, leaning against the front door, crying. Huge heartbreaking sobs.

"Mom?" Maddie asked quietly, kneeling down to touch her shoulder.

"I hurt him Maddie. The truth broke him" Rayna managed between sobs, and Maddie hugged her tight. Her Mom looked like she was broken as well. There was this haunting look of heartbreak in her mothers eyes that scared her a little. If Deacon didn't come back, what would happen to her? Would her Mom ever return to her normal happy self?

"He just needs some time to think, he'll come back. I promise" Maddie said, helping her mother to stand and make her way up the stairs to the master bedroom. She sat with her Mom until her sobs slowed and she noticed that her mother had fallen asleep.

She knew what she had to do. She tiptoed down the stairs, grabbed her jacket and rang for a taxi as she walked across the driveway and out the gate. When the taxi pulled up she hopped in and told the driver Deacon's address. Twenty minutes later and they pulled up, she paid and sent the driver off, hoping that Deacon was here and not at a bar somewhere. She knocked on the door.

"I'm not talking to you Rayna" Deacon yelled from inside.

"It's not Rayna!" Maddie yelled back, and the door opened a few minutes later, and he let her in. He looked like he'd run a marathon, and when she walked in, she knew why. He'd half destroyed his living room. So she just stood there, and turned to face him when she shut the door.

"I know what Mom told you" she said simply and he turned back over an armchair and gestured for her to sit down. When she did, he sat on the couch. "She doesn't know that I left the house. She's real upset. I know she's sorry."

"How long have you known? How did you even find out?" Deacon asked, and she smiled.

"I overheard Mom and Daddy arguing a few weeks ago, it took me awhile to get my head around it, and then I asked Mom about it." Maddie admitted with a blush. "I've thought about it a lot. I didn't know how to bring it up with her or you. I can't be angry at you, it's not your fault. I thought you knew, until she told me you didn't. But I can't be angry at Mom either – I read up a lot on the internet and you weren't in a good place, and I could imagine how scared she was when she found out."

"Doesn't make what she did right. She could have told either of us at any time over the last fourteen years." He said gruffly, not looking at her.

"Yes, she could have. But you need to go back and talk about it, find out why she couldn't tell us earlier. I know you love her. I know she loves you. She's a mess thinking you're done with her. And I want to get to know my real Dad better." He managed a smile then. And she smiled back shyly.

"Dad. Never thought I'd be called that. I don't know if I can go back though."

"Yes you can. I know you can. And you have to, I don't have enough money for a taxi home" she lied the last bit, knowing that he would definitely give her a ride. He laughed.

"Alright kiddo, lets roll." He said, grabbing his truck keys and following her outside. Once they were in the truck, Maddie got nervous.

"I'm glad you came back" Maddie said honestly and he nodded, watching the traffic lights they were stopped at.

"I am too. Honestly, you have no idea how close I was to going to a bar." He replied and she reached out to touch his shoulder.

"Mom loves you. When I went downstairs after you left to see if she was okay she said she hurt you, that she broke you. She's devastated. I practically had to carry her up to her room, and she cried herself to sleep. She's suffered with this for fourteen years" Maddie said and he nodded again. "When I heard Mom and Daddy arguing, she said she wanted to tell the truth, and he told her not to. I wonder how many years he's been telling her that?"

"I don't know. I'm proud of you, Maddie. You've handled this best out of all of us. I'm surprised. Ray has done so well with you." Deacon told his daughter as they pulled into the driveway of her home. They hopped out and he came around and hugged her. "I love you. Loved you even when I didn't know you were mine." he said, holding back tears.

"C'mon, lets go see Mom" she said after hugging him back. They walked in the front door and up the stairs and then she let him open the bedroom door softly, and she stood at the door and watched as he walked around the bed. He winked at her before he knelt down beside the bed and laid a hand on Rayna's shoulder.

"Ray, I'm here" he said softly, shaking her ever so slightly.

"Deacon?" She asked sleepily "What are you doing here? I thought you weren't -" Deacon silenced her with a kiss, and Maddie walked away, a smile on her face. Her Mom and her Dad deserved to be happy. And the whole world knew that nothing made them happier than each other.


	11. Chapter 10

This chapter opens up the potential of a companion story - starting with a shoebox. Maybe. It's likely to be something I'll turn to when I have writers block, and probably after this story is finished. Not sure yet.

* * *

 **Chapter Ten**

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

Deacon's been out of rehab for two months now. Two whole months sober. I'm so proud of him. We've been busy though, probably too busy for him to even get a chance to have a drink. The morning I picked him up from rehab, we didn't even make it home, he was directing me off a side road so we could make love in the back seat of my car. When we did make it home, we didn't leave the bed apart from bathroom breaks and for snacks until I'd gotten a phone call late the next day.

"Hello?" I answered the bedside phone.

"Hi Rayna, Bucky here. Up for some work?" Yes. Yes I did want some work. There had been barely anything to do while Deacon had been in rehab because I'd refused to get another lead guitarist.

"Definitely" I replied, swatting Deacons hands away as the dipped under the sheets towards me.

"We've got three offers for songs for movies – one for a soundtrack, and two for end credits. Not something you'd usually be interested in, but so good for exposure Rayna, and if anyone needs more exposure outside of the country fan base, it's you." Bucky said and I looked over at Deacon thoughtfully. I'd refused endorsment deals. Always refused endorsment deals. Movies were different though, my face wasn't going to be plastered all over billboards.

"Sure."

"Great. Meet you at the studio tomorrow, nine am. Bring Deacon with you, he can lay some strings for us" Bucky hung up before I could agree or disagree.

"Bucky wants me to do a couple songs for some movies" I said, and Deacon snorted

"Movie songs? How commercial" he muttered, and I pushed his persistent hands away, again.

"Excuse me? Last time I checked this is my career" I said, offended.

"Whatever" he replied, throwing back the covers and pulling on his clothes quickly. He headed for the door without another word. I'd worried all day about where he was, driven past his favourite bars to see if his truck was in the parking lot. He got home before dinner. He'd been at a meeting. And then had lunch with his sponsor before going to another meeting. He apologised for being edgy. He was struggling and he was trying. He promised to be better tomorrow after a good nights sleep. We ate the dinner I'd prepared, before cuddling up for an early night before the studio session in the morning.

And eventually, we got to today. Deacon wanted me to go along with him to an AA family support thing. I agreed, after him promising that AA was sacred to people, what went on inside that meeting room, stayed in that meeting room. I'd felt awful when he'd said that he knew I was embarrassed by him. I'm not. I swear I'm not. We turned up at 10am, and hand in hand we entered the church, and then the room they use for meetings. There were plenty of people in there, mostly couples. One by one they all stood up and spoke. Deacon squeezed my hand and kissed my cheek before he went to the podium on the small stage at the front of the room.

"Hi, I'm Deacon. I am an alcoholic. I've always been able to control my drinking. Probably not as well as many people, but I've had a good woman by my side for 6 years now who never hesitated to bawl me out when I'd had too many. Then my best mate died. And it was my fault. I told him to drive that night, even though he'd drunken way too much. And it was too easy after that to drink away the guilt and the grief. I pushed away the woman I love, I sent her out on her tour because I knew she needed to go, she'd signed contracts that she couldn't get out of. When she came to pick me up when I was cleared to go back to work, I'd destroyed every piece of furniture in her apartment. The disappointment on her face when she saw me broke my heart. It didn't stop me drinking though, and I nearly ruined her career with the careless drinking, missing shows and turning up too drunk to play guitar. And yet she's still beside me, sitting back there, supporting me. Two months in rehab, two months out. Four months sober. I'm optimistic because she believes in me. She believes I can do this, so I know I can do this. Thank you." He stepped down and walked back toward me, the eyes of everyone in the room on me. People knew who I was. Was I going to see this in the tabloids tomorrow? Were people going to ask me about this in radio or TV interviews. That's when I realised that I am embarrassed by his alcoholism.

"Thanks everyone for your contributions. Now we'd like to open up the stand to our non-members, to those who may like to share their experiences of living with someone who is an alcoholic." I wasn't sure if I wanted to do this. I watched as a middle aged woman took the podium, and she smiled warmly. She introduced herself, explained that her husband had been a drunk and violent for the past twenty years. She'd left him, and he'd gotten sober. She was standing by him, hoping that she could eventually return home without being scared of when he might lash out. It nearly made me cry. I think Deacon was surprised when after four other people went up, I stood up and made my way to the front, every eye on me.

"Hi, I'm Rayna. The love of my life is an alcoholic. His drinking has pushed me to the edge emotionally. I was distraught with worry over what he was doing to himself. There were times when he was too drunk to play guitar in my band at shows, and there were times where I didn't know where he was, only to receive a phone call in the middle of the night that he'd been arrested or hospitalized. So many nights I lay awake worrying. Or day's I'd spent cleaning after he'd had an angry rage in the lounge of my apartment. It probably sounds selfish. I think it's selfish. It wasn't until he said today that he knew I was embarrassed by him that I realised it's true. And I'm ashamed of that. Every time I've been to an interview for radio or television over the last few years I've refused to comment anything about him, or our relationship. I'm in the public eye a lot, and I'm scared what people will think of me and of him if I answer the questions I'm asked. And I feel really bad about it. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. Especially the fact that he's trying to get better. I'm ever so proud of his achievements. Hiding that from the public is only going to negatively effect his recovery. Thank you." I stepped down, tears running down my face. Deacon hugged and kissed me when I sat back down, and whispered an I love you. If I see that on the front page of a tabloid tomorrow morning, I'm going to be extremely proud of myself, and of Deacon.

* * *

Her Mom and Deacon had managed to find a happy medium – they put on smiling faces for Maddie and Daphne, and while they were out of the house, but Maddie knew behind her Mom's master bedroom door, they were still having the sad talks about the past. Maddie almost wished she'd never brought it up. But she'd been talking about it more with her Mom, who'd been open and understanding of her curiousity in a way she'd never expected. Deacon hadn't wanted to talk about it with her, but they had started playing guitar together a few nights that week before dinner.

"Mom?" Maddie knocked on the door to her mothers bedroom, then opened the door. She was sitting in bed, alone, reading a book.

"You alright?" Rayna asked, patting the bed next to her. Maddie climbed up and leaned back next to her mother.

"I lied, when I said that I'd just heard you and Daddy arguing. I came into your room and looked in that metal box in your bedroom." She said, blushing. Her mom nodded.

"I'm not surprised. Thank you for being honest with me. What did you take?" Maddie was always surprised by her mom's understanding around this subject. It made Maddie love her more.

"The paternity test." She said, and then she hesitated. "And your journal"

"You've read it?" Her mom asked, her face a showing a mix of emotions. Curiousity, worry being the two that Maddie instantly recognised.

"Some of it. But then I felt guilty for going behind your back, so I stopped. And then I came in here to tell you. I'm sorry"

"It's okay, I get that you just want to know more of where you came from. Come with me. I've got something else that might help you understand." Her mom got off the bed, and Maddie followed her into the wardrobe. Rayna knelt down to the bottom of her shoe shelf, where she kept shoe boxes of shoes she never wore, but couldn't get rid of. She pulled one out and handed it to Maddie. "It's letters, newspaper and magazine articles, all the bits and pieces you'll never find on the internet. Look after it, it's my history, and it's your history. You deserve to know why I did what I did." Her Mom hugged her, before walking away.

"Thanks Mom. Goodnight" Maddie kissed her cheek and headed back to her own room, holding the box like it was made of gold. Once she'd finished the journal she'd open the box.

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

Deacon invited me along to AA to get his one year sober chip, and then afterwards we went out to dinner to celebrate. I'm so proud of him, I could scream it from the roof top. Everyone's proud of him. When I announced that today was 1 year sober to the band and Bucky at tour rehearsals today the applause and cheering was deafening. We leave on tour in two weeks. My first headlining tour. I'm so so so excited. My latest album launched last week and it hit number one today! And it's gone gold already. Deacon says success looks good on me – I can't stop grinning at everyone. Tandy even rung to congratulate me, and we're going out for dinner next week.

Deacon and I went to a local 5-star restaurant for dinner. He looked absolutely amazing in a black dress shirt and black denim jeans. It was tempting to just stay home and rip those clothes off him. I'd worn a black floor length gown I'd bought for last years CMAs but had changed my mind. The restaurant was amazing – Deacon revealed that Bucky had given him a recommendation. We both had soda, even though I felt like a wine I knew it was rude and that Deacon still got cravings. Kissing me after me drinking wine was not going to help him at all.

His phone rung just before we ordered dessert. A few weeks ago we went out and bought new cellphones, phones with little black and white screens that we could pop in out pockets and ring people from anywhere. It's made things so much easier with dealing with the label, work, and Bucky. Deacon excused himself and answered the phone as he walked out to the restaurants lobby. When he came back his face was blank.

"What's wrong babe?" I asked, not sure if I wanted to hear the answer or not.

"It was my father. Demanding I get back to Natchez. It's my mother, she's passed" Deacon said softly, his eyes betraying how broken he was inside. I signaled for the check, paid and we left quickly, heading back to our apartment, where I thought he might cry in privacy. But he didn't. He took off his shirt and jeans, and hopped in bed. In silence.

"Babe?" I put my hand on his shoulder and he shrugged it off.

"I want to say goodbye to Ma, but I ain't seeing my Pa" Deacon said softly, and I quickly slipped off the dress and hopped into bed with him, wrapping my arms around him.

"I'll be there with you. We can leave first thing in the morning, I'll sort out a hotel and our bags first thing" I said, kissing the back of his neck. He rolled over and looked me square in the eyes.

"I'm not taking you anywhere near my Pa." I could tell he was serious.

"I'm not letting you do this alone, Deacon." I met his gaze with my own determined stare.

"I've never told you about my life growing up. Pa was a drinker. A mean drinker. Used to come home from the local bar or brothel and beat up my Ma." Deacon swallowed, tears in his eyes. "When I was about 6, I tried to interfere. And then he started laying into me too. That scar on my back, that's from his belt"

"Oh, Deacon, I'm so sorry!" I kissed him and hugged him tighter, only to have him push away.

"So that's why I don't want you stepping foot in Natchez. I can bet he's still drinking and it's not safe for you"

"It's not about him, it's about your mother. And I want to support you through this Deacon. Please don't shut me out again" I begged, crying now. He softened.

"I'm sorry. Alright. We'll book a hotel. If my Pa tries anything while we're around, leave me to deal with him and go back to the hotel. Promise?" I nodded and we kissed. Honestly, I'm so nervous. Deacon really doesn't want me to be around his father. I already knew that he thought he was going to end up just like him. And it scares me a little that Deacon was so adament that I needed to stay away from him. Is his father going to go in for an attack at the funeral in front of other people? Will Beverly be there too? Oh god, dealing with Beverly. Although she has a daughter now, she sent a few pictures to Deacon last Christmas, of a girl with blonde ringlets and a backpack – scrawled on the back that it was her first day of Kindergarten. Deacon had never met her. Beverly had refused contact, knowing that he was having trouble with his drinking, and earlier, that he was still in a relationship with me. His family is complicated, it makes my head spin. But then again, mines probably no better.


	12. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

We just got back from Natchez. What a whirlwind of a few days. We left as soon as we could the morning after Deacon heard the news. I'd booked a hotel, talked to Bucky and we'd taken my car. Deacon wasn't sure if his truck would make the trip there and back. We arrived in Natchez mid afternoon, and checked into the hotel. Deacon had rung Beverly on the road and she had invited him over for dinner. Him. Deacon refused to go without me, so I got dragged along for the fun. Beverly was in the kitchen cooking so little Scarlett opened the door, looking shy.

"Hi Uncle Deacon" the 5 year old said quietly, and Deacon scooped her up for a cuddle.

"I'm so glad I finally get to meet you!" He said excitedly, and she smiled brightly.

"Grandma always used to tell me stories about you. And we'd listen to your songs with Rayna on the radio" Scarlett said, smiling over at me.

"We bought you a present" I said, holding up the pink paper shopping bag I was holding. The wee girl brightened and Deacon set her down so I could give her the bag. Inside were two brand new barbie dolls, we'd stopped at the local toy store on the way over and they'd said that all the young girls were crazy for them.

"Barbies!? Oh thank you Uncle Deacon, Aunt Rayna! I've always wanted some but Mama says she can't afford it" She smiled sadly and then hugged both of us.

"Well why don't you go and show her" Deacon said softly and she ran into the kitchen, clutching the boxes

"Mama look! Uncle Deacon and Aunt Rayna got me barbies!" Beverly turned around from the bench and smiled at her daughter, before glaring at Deacon and I.

"C'mon Scarlett, lets go open them" Deacon said, leading her out of the kitchen.

"Anything you'd like help with, Beverly?" I asked.

"No. Although I would like to know why you're here. I didn't invite you for dinner. And you didn't even know Ma" She said bitterly and I sighed.

"Deacon wouldn't let me stay at the hotel by myself. I knew you wouldn't want me in your home. I've always been nice to you Beverly, I don't even know why you don't like me" I said, and she turned to glare at me.

"You took Deacon. If he'd never met you he'd be my guitarist, I'd have your success." She said simply. I was shocked. I'm still shocked now.

"Beverly, I never made him do anything he didn't want to do. And you got married, had your beautiful daughter. You can't take a school aged child on tour." I said gingerly, and then I smiled softly. "You've got an amazing voice. Maybe when Scarlett's older you'll get your big break" I left the room. I can't handle being alone with her. I felt much more comfortable in the other room with Deacon and Scarlett, laughing inside as Deacon mucked around voicing a barbie while Scarlett voiced the other. He's going to be an amazing father one day. Hopefully I'm lucky enough to be the mother of his children.

The funeral was sad. One of Deacon's Aunt's took me aside at the wake and told me all sorts of stories about Deacon's childhood – the happy memories. His mother sounded like an amazing woman. I think I can sort of relate to her, even though Deacon isn't violent with me. His father was quiet and subdued during the service, Deacon and I sat across the room from him, while Beverly sat next to her father, with Scarlett. I think Deacon was pretty pissed off with Beverly for siding with her father over him, especially after what their father had put them through. It wasn't until an hour so into the wake that 'Pa' approached us.

"So, you bring your rich city slut down here to try and impress us all, huh?" he said loudly, the red in face telling me that he'd drunken a lot.

"Fuck off, Pa. I brought the love of my life with me to meet my family. Pity I couldn't have brought her down to meet Ma, knowing you wouldn't behave yourself" Deacon replied, and he shot me a warning look.

"Take it outside you two" said someone in the back of the room, and they both headed outside. I followed quietly, to try and keep an eye on the situation.

"So you fuck off for over ten years and never thought to come back and visit ya Ma and Pa, or bring that girl ta meet us, but now I should keep quiet? Ten fuckin' years your Ma worried about how ya were, treasurin' every time she saw your name in a paper she was readin'."

"Well, it's your fault, Pa. You never made it seem like a safe place to bring someone I cared about. I know the drill. You get drunk. You beat Ma. You beat me. What would you have done to Rayna? Beat her? Raped her? You know exactly why I stayed as far as I could from you"

"Don't ya dare speak to me like that, boy!" Deacon's father clenched his fists up. Deacon managed to block the first punch from his father, but the second one got him straight in the face. Deacon threw a punch back and I flew down the stairs.

"Stop! Deacon!" I screamed, and Deacon threw me a look that I knew meant I needed to leave. I stopped. I didn't go any closer, but I didn't leave. Deacon threw another punch, that landed square in his fathers face, breaking his nose. I pulled out my cellphone and dialled 911. Screamed in horror as Deacon fell to the ground and his father kicked him repeatedly, before two big men rushed past me and pulled them apart, just as the police and an ambulance turned up. They asked for a statement from me – who started it, and then they took Deacon and I in the ambulance and Deacon's Pa was escorted to the police car. The hospital sedated him and flew him back to Nashville for surgery. I had to go and get our bags and then drive back to Nashville. I'm sitting next to Deacon now, who's still unconcious. All the surgery was for was to help set his ribs up to be set – all but three are broken. One peirced a lung. Another long recovery ahead, and I'm due to head out on tour weekend after next. God damn it I hate leaving him. I hate leaving him hurt. I hate not being able to support him. But I know he won't let me stay.

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

Deacon joined us in Seattle. I've made it back to him once a month over the last 6 months of the tour. He's pretending he's okay, other than claiming that his ribs are still really sore before popping more strong painkillers. I've warned him about getting addicted to them, but all he does is deny it, start an argument and storm off to bed. The new drummer of my band was adamant he'd seen Deacon sneaking whiskey before a show, but he never appeared drunk, he never smelt or tasted of alcohol. I asked him and he didn't speak to me for three days. I don't know. I had been warned that it was possible that if he relapsed he would try and hide it.

My album rode the top ten of the country charts for ages, and then every now and then there would be a surge in sales. It's double platinum now. Edgehill threw a huge party to celebrate one weekend when I could make it back to Nashville. Deacon and I have written enough for a new record, that will be recorded over Christmas and be released in February 1996. It seems insane to think about releasing albums two years in a row, but apparently that's what success means, releasing new music to keep the fans happy and make more money.

"Hey, Deacon" I asked one morning while he was dressing. I lay in bed still, watching him.

"Yeah?"

"When we go back to Nashville next month, I'd like to start looking at houses." I said, he turned and raised his eyebrow.

"Really?" He hopped back down on the bed.

"Well it's not like money is an issue now. I'd like to start looking for a house for us to share together, one day have a family in it" I blushed, and he leaned over and kissed me.

"Getting broody Ray?" he teased

"One day I'd like to have children with you babe, not yet but a house would be nice to go home to" I said shyly.

"I couldn't think of anything better than getting married and having a dozen little babies with you" he said, rolling himself over on top of me, capturing my lips. "When you're ready of course, no harm in practicing now though" he grinned, his hands finding the hem of my nightgown and tugging it up.

"What kinda house would you like?" He asked after we'd made love.

"Hmmm, a nice little bungalow I think. In the suburbs. Definitely nowhere near Belle Meade. And then one day, eventually a little out of town hideaway. A house on a lake or a river. Private, where we can go and just be us, no press." I said thoughtfully and he nodded.

"A little hidden cabin where we can do anything we want, inside and outside without being watched? I can't wait to screw you in a canoe" we laughed.

"A canoe? How does that even work?" I asked, eyes wide, picturing us tipping out into the painfully cold water.

When we got back to Nashville there was a canoe sitting in the middle of the living room of my apartment. And apparently it is possible to have sex without tipping it. Wonder if it works as well in water?

* * *

Ugh. Maddie hated reading about the sex life of her mother and father. She put the book back in her school bag as the school bell rung – study hall was now a good place to read her mother's journal, quiet and no-one could read over her shoulder. Although she should really have been studying for her upcoming exams.

"Hey Maddie!" Maddie turned around to see her best friend Talia coming towards her from a desk at the back of the class.

"Hey, what's up?" Maddie asked, smiling.

"What are you doing Saturday night? My cousin's throwing a party and he said I could bring friends" Talia asked. Talia's cousin was a college student.

"CMA Awards. Mom and Deacon are taking Daphne and I this year" Maddie said with a grin.

"Oh wow, that's so cool! Better than a college kid's party" Talia said enviously, and Maddie shrugged.

"Sorta. I hate all the cameras and crap" Maddie thought, thinking about all the times she'd been photographed with her parents by papparazzi during their divorce.

"I guess. But I bet you've got a designer dress and you'll look amazing"

"Yeah, Mom's hired a makeup and hair stylist. Bit weird though, going out in public with her and Deacon, especially such a big event"

"Is he your father?" Talia asked quietly, and Maddie nodded. Maddie had confided in her best friend when she'd found the paternity test, but they hadn't discussed it at all after that.

"Bit of shock, but I'm glad now that I know little things – like that my guitar playing is hereditary, and I got my hair colour and eyes from him. Kinda feel more like I belong now" Maddie said, and Talia smiled at her. They joined the line in the cafeteria, got trays of food and sat down at a table.

"What's it like though, knowing that your Mom and your real Dad are finally together?"

"It's weird. They're like two people that should have been one. They finish each others sentences, they can read each other like books. It's kinda obvious they never stopped loving each other. Which is weird, Mom was married to Daddy for so many years." Maddie admitted truthfully and her best friend shrugged.

"I'm sure at the time your Mom did what she thought was best. I guess." Talia said, and Maddie wasn't sure, still, if she agreed or disagreed with that.

"I have no idea. Life used to be so simple and now it's like a soap opera"

"Normal? Yeah, coz a Mom who has won Grammys and CMAs is totally normal" They both laughed.

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

We started looking at houses, but neither of us could agree on one. Nothing was perfect. We looked at little 3 bedroom houses, bigger houses and mansions in Belle Meade. So we're just going to keep looking as new houses pop up and see if we can find something we both love. My new album comes out in April, and then we head out on tour until next March, so it might be a long process. My apartment is fine for now, we can leave it for months on end and not have to worry about the lawns needing mowing.

But more of an issue is the pills Deacon keeps taking. It's been 10 months since his ribs were broken and his doctor has said that he has fully recovered. I don't even know where he's getting these pills from. When I had lunch with Watty last week he suggested that it might be time to get Deacon off them, or back in rehab. That conversation will go well, I bet. And then, when I came home that afternoon, Deacon was passed out on his side on the bed. I shook him, called his name and then panicked. I called 911. I kept trying to get him to respond to me while I waited for the paramedics. Eventually his arm flew over and knocked me to the floor.

"Deacon!" I screamed and he moaned before relaxing again. I didn't touch him again, the side of my face stinging from the contact. The paramedics arrived, and I followed them to the hospital. They wouldn't let me into his room, made me wait in the large waiting room, where people stared and whispered behind their hands as they recognized me. Two whole hours later, a doctor came out and called my name, and I followed him to the elevator.

"Mr Claybourne had a drug overdose. He's just had his stomach pumped. He's stable as of now, but we need to do a scan of his stomach tomorrow to make sure there's been no lasting damage. He hasn't woken up yet, but you can do and sit with him if you like."

"Do you have contact with addiction counselors? I think it would be a good idea, gauge whether it was an accident or whether he does need to go back to rehab" I said nervously, and he nodded.

"Yes, we can get a counselor here before he is released tomorrow afternoon, to talk to him" The doctor replied, and I followed him down the hallway. He gestured to a room, and I walked in the open door. Deacon was lying there, half awake.

"I'm sorry Ray" he said softly and I sat down. The doctor had disappeared.

"I was so scared babe, I thought you were dying on me." I said softly and he took my hand.

"It'll never happen again" he promised.

"I've asked for a counselor to see you before you're discharged. You need to talk to someone about the pills, babe. And since you don't want to talk to me..." my voice broke.

"I'm sorry" he muttered, turning his head away from me.

"Have you been drinking at all?" I asked, nervously waiting for his reaction.

"A little" he said, not turning to face me.

"Why?"

"Are you a fucking counselor? No. I don't have to answer these stupid questions. Leave me alone Rayna" I stood up and left with tears in my eyes, grateful that a nurse informed me that I could use their staff entrance to leave. He always shuts me out when I ask the hard questions, he'll never talk about it. He makes me feel like it's my fault. I don't know what to do with him anymore, something needs to change. I rung Coleman as I left, driving slowly through the Nashville streets in rush hour traffic.

"Hello?"

"Hey Cole, it's Rayna"

"How are you? And Deacon? I haven't heard from him in a while"

"He's in hospital. Just had his stomach pumped after a pill overdose. Can you go over there and talk to him? Try and get something out of him? He's shut me out" I asked desperately, and I heard Coleman sigh into the phone. I hadn't really been around him much when he'd been really into drugs and alcohol, but he'd been clean for years and part of the recovery was sponsoring someone else. We'd grown up together, our parents had been friends.

"I'll head over now. Give him some space Rayna, let him reach out to you when he's ready" Coleman replied. I hate it when Coleman says that. It makes it again seem like my fault. Tandy says it's not my fault. But then Tandy also says I need to leave before he kills me, or kills my career. Maybe if he can't get clean this time, I'll let her set me up on that blind date she's been talking about.

Maybe. I don't know. I can't love anyone like I love Deacon.


	13. Chapter 12

On the home stretch now! 16 Chapters, almost complete. Quite possibly the first out of dozens of fics that I've actually completed lol. Thanks once again for the reviews! :)

* * *

 **Chapter 12**

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

I dropped Deacon at rehab this morning. It's been weeks of promises, drinking, pills and black outs. I can't handle it. Even as we drove up he still refused to go. He had to be restrained at the entrance. He signed the paperwork giving his consent, so they'll do anything to get him in there. 2 months this time. God I hope 2 months is enough to change him for the better. If not, I'll be at a complete loss. He's broken the furniture in my apartment numerous times, how long until he breaks me?

It was hard to say goodbye. Impossible even, he hasn't talked to me for days. And I've cried, begged, and screamed for him to stop ignoring me. And he's just kept ignoring me. I rung Coleman after I left the rehab centre, crying about how I already didn't think this was going to work.

"Maybe now is the time to tell him that if it doesn't, you're leaving" Coleman suggested and I sobbed.

"I can't do that to myself, I need him" I said desperately, and Coleman was silent for a moment.

"Word of Deacon's behaviour has been around Nashville for a while now. It's why you struggled to find an steady tour beack when you wanted to open – One look at Deacon's records, all those arrests for fighting or DUI, it's starting to count against you. And it can't be good for you emotionally either." Coleman tried to reason and I sighed.

"I guess. I don't know." I hung up and threw my phone across the car in frustration. This is horrible. Tandy, Coleman and Bucky all in my head telling me that Deacon needs to shape up or ship off. And then knowing that it's the best thing in my head, but it'll break my heart. But how many times has he broken mine?

It only took an hour to drive back to Nashville, making it almost lunch time. I didn't want to go back to my empty apartment. I didn't know where else I could go without thinking of Deacon. I pulled up to Tandy's condo and knocked on the door, tears streaming down my face.

"Come in, come in" Tandy said and ushered me inside. As soon as she shut the door she hugged me. I love her. So much. She's been like a mom and a sister to me for years. Can't have been easy being 17 and having to take a 12 year old under her wing.

"So you just dropped Deacon off?" She asked as she served tea at the kitchen counter a few minutes later.

"Yeah. Didn't even get a kiss goodbye. He hasn't even talked to me in days" I said miserably and she sighed.

"It might be time to cut your losses babe. I mean look at you, you're a mess. Someone who loves you as much as you say he does wouldn't hurt you like this" Tandy said softly and I shrugged.

"He knows this is his absolute last chance. If he's back on the bottle after this I might finally take you up on that blind date" I laughed hollowly, even though neither of us really thought it was funny.

"Give yourself some time. You don't need a man in your life to be happy. I mean look at me. Happy as a clam" She said, smiling brightly.

"Yeah I guess. But we're talking a blind date, not marriage. And I think if it needed to be done, at least seeing me with other people would make it more final with Deacon"

"Well, we'll cross that path if we get to it. I know this great guy, know him from college - He's an investment banker" I shook my head in wonder. "I've been trying to set you two up for years"

"I want so bad for Deacon to get better, but it seems like one step forward, two back. He was doing so well not drinking, and then it was pills, and sneaking drinks. Maybe he just needs a break to get back on track."

"Do you wanna stay here while he's gone? I know you hated being alone last time he was gone."

"You know what, that sounds good. I'm going to go back a suitcase now. Thanks Tandy"

* * *

"Mom?" Maddie asked as she entered the kitchen, where her Mom and Deacon were having a coffee at the counter and talking in low voices

"Yes, sweet girl?" Rayna turned and smiled at her oldest daughter.

"I don't want to hide my parentage" Maddie said bluntly, standing at the counter opposite her parents, who were exchanging a look that Maddie knew probably meant they were having a silent conversation.

"You don't have to. You can tell whoever you want, when you want. I just want you to be careful." Her father said, taking her mothers hand in his.

"The press can be cruel, you know that. You saw all those horrific articles about the divorce. You can tell your friends if you want to, but I think it's best for all of us, including you and Daphne, if you're not shouting it from the rooftops. Can you see where we're coming from?" Her mother finished and Maddie smiled. Always on the same wavelength.

"Yeah. Talia knows. But she hasn't told anyone else. I guess I'd like to sorta be known as "Deacon's daughter" by people, like when we go to events and stuff. Like I can be proud that he's my Dad, and like it's not some big secret."

"I'm ever so proud to have a daughter like you Maddie, don't you ever think for a second that I'm hiding it because I'm embarassed. We're trying to protect you from some of the cruel cruel people in the world who will weigh in on this development." Deacon said firmly and Maddie smiled at her father warmly.

"I don't think that, I just don't know why it has to be top secret" Maddie persisted and her mother sighed.

"What do you want us to do Maddie? Do a press conference?" Rayna was getting frustrated now and Deacon placed his hand on her arm.

"Let's just go on as if we've always known. If we go somewhere where I need to introduce you to someone, I'll say your my daughter. Like that's how it's always been."

"I like that idea" Maddie said and her mother agreed quietly. "I'm just not quite sure how we're supposed to work this stuff out. It's a big change."

"I'm happy you can come to us and talk about it" Her mom stood up and came around the counter to hug her. "I'm so proud of how you've handled this. And I'm so sorry that I've caused this to happen."

"It's okay Mom, I've forgiven you"

"And so have I" Deacon added as he wrapped his arms around the two of them. Maddie smiled. This felt like where she belonged. All that was missing was Daphne.

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

Deacon's out, and we're back on tour. Things were extremely dificult between us for awhile, it felt like whenever I tried to talk to him, he'd go to a meeting. In the end I gave up. I just left him to come back to me when he was ready. Most nights he'd sleep on the couch. It was hard. I'd definitely missed being close to him, writing songs, being able to talk for hours about nothing, and making love. One morning he appeared in our room, shaking me awake with a grin on his face that made me a little nervous.

"C'mon, get ready to go, nothing fancy" He said, disappearing before I could ask questions. When I'd dressed in jeans, a sweater and my favourite casual cowboy boots, I found him in the kitchen making his bacon and eggs. His amazing tasting bacon and eggs. I have no idea what he does to them that makes them taste so much better than anyone elses. He kissed me as he placed a plate in front of me at the counter, before sitting next to me, sharing the plate. We hadn't shared a plate of food in months. It used to be a way to make the dishes easy, and then it sort of became a habit.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked and he grinned and shook his head. Argh. I hate surprises, but Deacon has the best surprises and I love seeing him excited again. There was a picnic basket and blankets by the door, which he grabbed as we headed out the door. It was a pretty warm day for early March, so neither of us worried with jackets. We drove for nearly an hour out of Nashville on highway 65, heading onto a dirty road a few miles from the state line, driving ten minutes from the highway until we approached a house. He parked up, opened my door for me, and led me by the hand up the porch, unlocking and opening the huge sliding glass doors that would give an amazing veiw of the dock and the river from the lounge.

"What do you think?" He asked, once I was inside. He leant against the door frame and grinned at me.

"It's beautiful. But why are we here?" I asked, confused, but slowly figuring out what he'd done.

"It's mine. Well ours. Seen it advertised downtown, and I bought it." He said simply. "I know they say no big decisions fresh out of rehab, but this was too good to pass up on" I ran to him and threw my arms around him.

"It's perfect! Oh I love you babe. So much" I said, kissing him deeply, running my fingers through his hair and pressing myself against him.

"As much as I'd like to ravish you right now, how about unloading the truck first?" He said and I groaned before following him to the truck. We'd put a big picnic basket in there when we'd left, but there was a blow up air matress in a box, some petrol for the generator, more blankets, and a small bag of clothes

"We don't have anywhere to be until tomorrow afternoon, so I'm keeping you here until then" he winked. We took it all inside, set up the matress and blankets, then he took my hand and showed me the rest of the house.

"It's got three bedrooms, one master room and two that are much smaller. Big enough for a kid in each though" he said with a smile.

"Two kids babe? You've barely talked to me in weeks and now you're planning kids?" I asked, confused.

"Eventually. I know you'd love kids one day, Ray. I don't want to be whats holding you back from a family." He said softly, wrapping his arms around me and kissing me.

"Maybe in a few years. I want a few more platinum records" I said with a smile when he pulled back. He laughed.

"You hungry?"

"Starving. But not for food" I said with a wink, leading him back to the empty lounge room.

We managed to shop for some cheap furniture, a couch, a bed, drawers and some other bits and pieces to make it a proper hideaway before we left on tour. And of course some fishing rods, at the insistance of Deacon. And he brought up that ridiculous canoe that he'd bought a while back and had stored after we'd decided that it really was too big to sit in our lounge all the time. I was ecstatically happy. And then we packed up our suitcases, locked up the cabin and our apartment, and departed on another long tour. I love headlining. I love the thrill of knowing that all these people came out here for me. Well mainly me. There's something amazing about feeling all that energy run off the crowd at you for an hour and a half, instead of the little 20-30 minute sets I was doing.

This tour is amazing – and with it came my 3rd, 4th, and 5th CMA nominations, for female vocalist, single and album of the year. I can't wait, I love award shows. We've been on the road for four months now and for the first time ever I can't wait to get back to Nashville, to go up to the cabin and relax, to shop for a new dress for the awards, and to see Tandy. Deacon's been sober for 6 months and I think he may have finally kicked the habit for good this time. I hope he has.

* * *

"Hey Maddie" Maddie turned to see Deacon standing behind her. "What are you doing out here?"

"Reading. It's so nice and warm out here" Maddie replied. She was sitting in the autumn sun, on the porch swing. It was rather warm for early November.

"What you reading?" he asked, sitting next to her and looking at the worn leather notebook she was holding.

"Mom's journal. I kinda stole it from her, but when I told her I had it, she told me to keep it and read it. That it might help me understand stuff" Maddie said and her father raised his eyebrow.

"Oh. I, uh, hope you don't think any less of me. I was pretty messed up back then, had a lot going on in my head." he said quietly, and she nodded. "Not that that is any excuse for what I did. I hurt her bad. I can't remember a lot of the last year or so, I had black outs. I never deserved her forgiveness and if it was me in her position, I would've taken you and run too"

"Really? I could guess it was bad – but you got sober" Maddie said softly.

"I did. But I had before too, and then I'd fall again, harder. She made the wrong choice to keep it a secret so long, but for the right reasons. She was protecting you." Deacon hugged her softly and she smiled.

"Thanks Dad." Maddie said and she watched as Deacon's eyes got a little teary "Oh, I'm sorry if that was too soon"

"Don't apologise. I'm happy. I never ever thought I'd be called that. I'm happy that I've got a daughter to call me that."

"What are ya'll doin'?" They both turned at the addition of a new voice.

"Papa!" Maddie exclaimed, moving over to hug her Grandfather.

"What are you doin' here?" Lamar repeated, staring at Deacon.

"I'm talking to my daughter" Deacon stated, and Maddie beamed at him, before looking at her Grandfather who was scowling.

"Where is my daughter? I think a conversation between the three of us is needed. As soon as possible."

"She's in the music room. I'll go get her. Maddie, why don't you help your Papa get comfortable? Get him a coffee or a tea?" Deacon said, disappearing quickly under Lamar's angry gaze.

"Come, Papa. Would you like a coffee? Mom's new machine is a genius" Maddie said, leading her Papa inside. He declined the coffee and sat down in one of the armchairs in the family room. "Daphne and I have been working on a new song, maybe after you've done talking to Mom and Deacon we can play it for you"

"I don't know if I'll be in the mood for entertainment after I've spoken to your mother, but definitely next time" Maddie looked sideways at him, trying to figure out why he was so angry.

"Are you angry at Mom because everyone knows the truth?" Maddie said as she looked up and saw her parents enter the room.

"Maddie, would you excuse us sweet girl?" Her mom said with a forced smile and Maddie nodded, leaving the room. She got to the staircase before she stopped and sat on the bottom step, hoping that no-one would catch her here, and that she could hear them talking.

"Teddy told me 14 years ago that this would stay a secret, Rayna"

"I never wanted to keep it a secret! But I had you, and Teddy and Tandy all at me that it was 'for the greater good'" Rayna exclaimed "And quite frankly, I'm glad everyone knows."

"Yeah, well Teddy was easy enough to coerce. It was you, always you, who could never really grow up out of a childhood fantasy, could never realise that he could have easily killed you and Maddie with his drinking"

"Coerced? What the hell did you do?" Rayna yelled, and Maddie flinched. This was going to get nasty.

"$10 million certainly made him realise what a good choice he was making. A poor man is easily bribed."

"You paid him to marry me? I can't believe you! Get out of my house, and don't think about coming back." Maddie heard footsteps and she scampered up to the top of the stairs quietly.

"Should be thanking me, I did you a favour. Do you really think you could have gotten all of this with Deacon?"

"Does all of this matter? All of us would have been just as happy if we lived in a smaller house. All of this is superficial." Maddie had to agree with her mother. Money didn't always buy happiness. It had for 14 years but now it was exposed as a lie. Not just her paternity but the whole reason for her Daddy even being in the picture. She felt really mad at her Daddy. Would he have been their for her and her mother if her Papa hadn't bribed him? She imagined $10 million would be very very hard to say no to. Did he feel guilty now? Hardly a question she could ask him though, if there was one thing about this situation that annoyed Maddie it was her Daddy's disapproval, his refusal to talk about it, and his refusal to acknowledge Deacon's role in her life now. Almost like he'd forgotten, that he thought he actually was her biological father.

Maddie sighed, retreating to her room when she heard the front door slam and her parents return to the kitchen. When would life return to normal?


	14. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

* * *

Things weren't going to return to normal any time soon. Maddie didn't want to go to her Daddy's. She told her Mom and her parents argued – all three of them.

"You promised, Rayna, that if this all came out that I would still be allowed to be Maddie's father." Teddy had said, standing in the kitchen as Maddie stood at the top of the stairs with Daphne, listening in.

"I can't make her go if she doesn't want to. She's old enough now to make her choice on this, Teddy." Rayna said softly.

"Obviously, he's said something to her" Maddie knew that her Daddy was talking about Deacon.

"I have not. I haven't spoken to Maddie at all about you. Maybe you should go and ask her why she doesn't want to go with you?" Deacon said.

"She's a kid. What reason is she going to have that someone in this house hasn't put into her head?" Maddie scowled. She wasn't a kid anymore.

"She's not a child anymore. Even if she was, she's allowed a choice. I will not force her to go to your house for a week if she doesn't want to." Her mother had that tone in her voice that meant she wasn't going to argue about it anymore. "If you want to know why, go upstairs and talk to Maddie"

"I'm going to. And then first thing monday morning I am off to my lawyer to see what rights I have here."

"If Madddie's paternity comes out in court, you won't have any rights. We want you to be her life, Teddy. You've always been there. You're just going to have to give her some time." Maddie and Daphne rushed back to Maddie's room when they heard footsteps heading towards them. Teddy appeared in the doorway, smiling as the two of them sat on the bed in silence.

"Daphne, do you want to take your backpack downstairs while I talk to Maddie?" Daphne nodded and headed to her own bedroom. Teddy sat down on the bed. "Why don't you want to come to my house?" he asked sternly. Maddie met his eyes with a scowl.

"Did Papa give you money to marry Mom and pretend I was your child?" Maddie asked, and her Daddy couldn't meet her eyes. He stood and walked away without a word. Maddie followed a few seconds later, staying at the top of the stairs as she listened to him tell Daphne to head out to his SUV.

"Who the hell told my daughter that I was bribed into being her father?" He said loudly as soon as Daphne shut the door. There was silence.

"I didn't know Maddie knew. My father turned up here the other day and he mentioned it when we were arguing. She must have overheard. But that's not my problem, that's yours. And to be completely honest, if I was in her place, I wouldn't want to go with you either." Rayna said sternly.

"Right. Well I'll have Daphne back at the usual time." The door shut and Maddie came down the stairs.

"Sorry Mom." Her mother turned and smiled at her.

"You've really gotta stop eavesdroppin' kid." Rayna said with a wink, and Deacon let out a chuckle as Maddie blushed. "You know Teddy still loves you, even if he did take that money from my Daddy."

"Yeah, but would he have married you without that?" Maddie asked, sitting at the counter next to Deacon.

"Yes, I think so. He can be just as manipulative as my father, he probably knew he could get something out of it by hesitating. And I never once thought there was a possibility that he didn't love you like his own." Her mother sais softly, pulling Maddie into a hug.

"I just don't like being lied to. And all of a sudden it seems like my whole life has been a lie." Maddie said, and tears sprung to her mother's eyes.

"Maddie, we all loved you. Despite the truth." It made Maddie smile at how much she could tell her Mom meant what she said.

"Okay. Well, maybe after I'd packed my back pack, you can take me to Daddy's?" Maddie said, and her Mom nodded and hugged her again.

"We'll go out somewhere for lunch and drop you there after" Deacon added, and Maddie ran up the stairs to grab her stuff.

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

Last night was the '96 CMAs. It was supposed to be an amazing night, those nominations, my amazing dress, and Deacon and I having time off to spend at the cabin. He even surprised me with a limo to take us to the red carpet, instead of taking my car like we had every other time we'd been to awards shows.

The red carpet was amazing, cameras everywhere, press who were eager to get the scoop on when I'd be doing a new album, a new tour, and my personal life. I was happy to be on Deacon's arm, but I avoided any questions I could about us getting engaged sometime soon, his rehab stints, and wether we lived together. If there is one thing I've always been nervous about with interviews, it's the questions about home life and romance. I feel like there are some things I just need to keep in my heart, that I can't sell out every piece of my life to the media. I think Deacon appreciates that in a way, there's no tabloid exclusives about his drinking, it's all just hearsay. Luke and his new wife Stephanie were in front of us on the carpet line, and she is starting to sport a nice wee baby bump. I'm glad he's happy, and I know it makes Deacon a lot happier to know he's not a threat. I wonder if in a few years time that'll be Deacon and I, rings on our fingers, gushing about the new addition that would join our family. Now that I've got a pretty well established career, a healthy bank account that could handle a break from touring, a child wouldn't be the worst idea in the world.

"Ever think that will be us one day, babe?" I whispered to Deacon, nodding my head towards the married couple. Deacon got this dark look in his eye at the mention of Luke, but shrugged.

"I don't know, Ray. I'd be a pretty shit Dad" he admitted and I frowned. He'd only ever mentioned children once, when he'd bought the cabin, and it had never come up again. I'm going to take a guess and assume it's because of his childhood, that he still refuses to talk about. I plastered on a fake smile for the rest of the carpet, and then we entered the auditorium. Everyone wanted to talk. Someone had said at the door that we were to be seated at the end of the third row. Deacon excused himself as I started to chat with Martina McBride, whispering in my ear that he was heading to the bathroom before the show started. It took fifteen minutes to get to my seat, I kept being stopped by people who wanted to wish me luck, but eventually I got there, seeing the seat next to me, where Deacon was supposed to sit, empty. I didn't know the people who were sitting on the other side of me, so I sat there awkwardly. A seat filler sat there when the show began, and ten minutes in, as Faith and Tim were performing, Deacon slinked back in, taking his seat.

"Where have you been?" I asked curiously, and he shrugged.

"Got waylaid" he said shortly, and I raised my eyebrow.

"Have you been drinking?"

"A little. Couple of shots with the house band. Nothin' big" he said, looking at the stage and refusing to meet my eyes. Tonight of all nights he decided to throw another six months sobriety down the drain.

"We'll talk about this later" I replied angrily, and he sighed.

"Always with the fucking talking" He stood back up and I watched him walk to the side door that I knew headed towards the bar backstage. He didn't come back. Someone was on stage announcing the nominees, including myself, for single of the year. I wasn't even paying attention, my eyes were on the door waiting for Deacon to reappear. And then I heard my name. Me. I won single of the year. With Deacon as my co-writer. He should be climbing these steps with me to accept this award, I thought sadly, plastering on that fake smile again as I stood in front of the microphone.

"I'm so proud of this song. I'd like to thank my favourite co-writer, Deacon Claybourne, I love you. And to my manager Bucky, thanks for sticking with me through this wild ride. Thanks to the team at Edgehill for letting me be me, even though everyone said I wasn't traditional country. Thanks to the fans and my peers for all the support, it means the world to me." I gushed, forgetting the rough speech I'd gone over in my mind the last few days, not wanting to make a fool of myself. But Deacon disappearing had made me completely lose track of those words. I was led backstage, a stage hand took my award to keep it safe so that I could head back out into the audience during the next break. I decided to head to the bar, where Deacon was nursing a whiskey with his back to the TV that was showing the stage.

"Congratulations on your first CMA award Deacon." I said, and he spun around to face me. Luckily, apart from the guy behind the bar, we were alone. "Pity you couldn't be there to accept it"

"Not in the mood for this shit, Ray" he said, still not looking in my eyes.

"What is your problem? This is supposed to be a good night, but you're back here sulking and throwing 6 months sobriety down the drain."

"I'm done talkin'" he said, turning away from me.

"So am I. I'm sick of this. It's one step forward, ten steps back with you. Always has been, always will be. I'm done. I told you months ago, it was the drink, or me. And you've obviously made your decision" I walked away before he could reply, noting on the TV that I could return to my seat. Deacon didn't try and stop me. I was angry. Hell, I'm still angry. He ruined the whole night. I walked away with two CMAs, Single of the Year and Female Vocalist of the Year, my first ever CMA awards, and he let the temptation of the bar get the better of him. I called a cab from the back entrance, refusing to take the limo Deacon had arranged. When I got home, I changed into sweats and a bluebird cafe tee, and packed all Deacon's clothes and belongings into some suitcases I found in a closet. I angrily packed the rest into some packing boxes the doorman found for me. All his stuff was stacked neatly by the door, and then eventually I collapsed with exhaustion in bed, forgetting to brush my teeth or wash my make up off. It had been an extremely late night.

He turned up late the next morning, while I was eating breakfast after sleeping in. Still half drunk. He look apologetic and ashamed.

"Ray, I'm sorry."

"I've heard enough sorrys to last a lifetime. I haven't changed my mind, I'm done with this. With us. These should be the best years of my life, but instead they're turning into my worst nightmare. I can't do it anymore" I said, tears in my eyes.

"Please don't do this Ray. I promise, this is the last time I'll screw up. I swear" he begged, taking my hands in his and testing my resolve.

"No. Just take your stuff and leave Deacon." I pulled my hands from his. He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around me, and I couldn't resist one last hug. Until I felt something I knew very well in his coat pocket, and sure enough, I managed to get my hand in his pocket and pull out the small bottle of Jack without him resisting.

"And you're still fucking drinking! Well, there goes any chance of you changing my mind. You're never going to change!"

"Neither are you. You're always going to be an uptight bitch who thinks everyone should do as she says. I'm sick of you being the boss here Ray. I want to drink. Let me fucking drink. I need a fucking drink to live with you. You're doing me a favour kicking me out, finally, some fucking freedom" He snarled, and I paled.

"Nice to know what you really think of our relationship. Guess the last eight years have been a complete waste of time. Maybe I should have accepted that date Tandy wanted to set me up on last time you were in rehab." I knew I'd crossed a line, he saw red and he reached out and slapped me around the face. I backed up against the wall as he turned and punched a hole in the wall behind him, then stopped and skulled the rest of the bottle of Jack he'd snatched back from me. I couldn't move, until I saw the empty bottle flying towards me. I ducked and it hit the wall where my head had been seconds earlier. I slid down the wall, wrapping my hands around my legs.

"Go. Please, just go" I sobbed, and he angrily threw open the door, picked up the box and two suitcases, and then slammed the door behind him, so hard that some of door frame came loose. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialled Tandy's number.

"Hello?"

"Can you come to my apartment? Please?" I cried into the phone.

"I'll be there in ten" she said, hanging up. I hadn't moved when she opened the door, which was unlocked from when Deacon left. She gasped, and then cried out in shock when she looked closer at me and saw the bright red mark across my cheek. She pulled me up off the floor and directed me to the couch, then going and making us each a herbal tea.

"What happened babe?" she said softly as she sat down.

"I kicked Deacon out. He got so wasted last night, and I told him I was done. He came to pick up his stuff and we argued." I summarised.

"He hit you?" She asked and I nodded.

"I never ever thought he'd hit me. It made me realise though, that I definitely made the right decision. It was never going to work out, I'm so stupid for taking so long to figure that out" I said and she shook her head.

"It's not your fault. It's never been your fault, you have to believe that" Tandy said, patting my leg. "Are you going to press charges?"

"No. I can't. Imagine the media attention that would get. Deacon would never get a job in Nashville ever again. And I don't want everyone's pity."

"What are you going to do then?"

"Go back to work. Find a new lead guitarist. Write some songs. Drink some wine now that I can have it in the house without feeling nervous." I laughed in spite of it all. A few wines and some songwriting on the couch sounded like heaven right now.

"Are you going to be okay? I have to get back to work, Daddy's going to go spare when he notices I've skipped a meeting. Call me if you need anything. Anything at all." She kissed my cheek after I nodded and she placed her cup in the sink before she left.

And I was alone. All alone. I changed into some jeans, a blouse, and my boots, before I sat down at my dressing table and attempted to cover the mark on my cheek with foundation and concealer, so I could head to the liquor store. Getting drunk and writing some music by myself is just what I need to get over this. That's probably exactly what Deacon is doing.

* * *

Maddie had tears on her cheeks after reading that. She couldn't believe that her Dad actually hit her Mom. How had her Mom gone back to him and gotten pregnant with her? Obviously her Dad had been drunk, but still, to hit the woman he claimed was his soul mate. Maddie couldn't wrap her head around it.

She checked the clock, not wanting to stay up too late because her Mom and Dad were picking her and Daphne up tomorrow from her Daddy's. And she'd missed them, even though it had only been a week. Her Daddy wasn't nearly as talkative about the past as her Mom, and it annoyed her a little. She decided she had time for one more entry before she went to sleep. Just one more.

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

I finally gave into Tandy, a month after Deacon finally left, and went on the date she'd been wanting to set me up on for like two years. She'd given me a time, date and a restaurant. No name, no nothing. I was nervous as hell. I couldn't even remember the last time Deacon had taken me on a date, a real date. I dressed up, the restaurant was 5 star and I wanted to impress.

Theodore Conrad ("Call me Teddy") was a very handsome, well educated man. He stood up when I arrived, introduced himself, kissed my cheek and pulled out my chair for me. The sort of things I'd never really appreciated about country club boys, things Deacon had never done, and it had surprised me that normal guys didn't do that.

He drunk water. That appealed to me. A lot. A man who doesn't drink all the time is exactly what I need right now.

He let me order my meal first.

He made small talk about my career, my childhood, listening intently and not interupting. He admitted that he'd seen me in concert a few times in Nashville, and that he'd seen me at a country club talent show when I was thirteen, and he was sixteen, and he'd known then that I would one day be a star. It made me blush bright red.

I declined dessert, feeling like I might explode. When his arrived I regretted it, and he must have seen me eying it up, so we shared.

He didn't ask about Deacon, even though I assumed that he knew I'd been with him until recently.

He's working his way up the ranks at the Music City Credit Union, but one day dreams of branching out and trying Real Estate Development. A proper country club profession. Years ago I would have turned my nose up at a man who seemed a lot like Daddy, ambitious and refined, but Teddy is sweet, gentle and attentive.

Afterwards, he walked me to my car, kissed my cheek and thanked me for the wonderful night. Still very much the gentleman. It wasn't until I'd said goodnight and he'd walked away that I'd got the courage to be forward.

"Teddy, hold on" I said, and he turned around and walked back over to me.

"Yes, Rayna?" he said softly and I smiled.

"What are you up to next weekend?" I asked and he smiled back at me.

"Nothing planned, what did you have in mind?"

"I have to go to Memphis on Saturday for an event, would you like to be my date?" I bit my lip shyly. I'm so not used to doing this.

"I'd love to. I'll ring you friday?" He said and I nodded.

"Goodnight Teddy. Thank you for the wonderful evening" I said, kissing his cheek and opening my car door. He stood there and watched me leave, and for the first time in the last few months, I knew I'd made the right move. But that still doesn't get Deacon off my mind. I haven't seen him, heard anything about him, nothing. I've assumed that he's at his cabin, drinking himself into oblivion every day. The other day I found a bottle of Jack under some towels in the linen cupboard, and when I moved the couch to vacuum under it I found little shot bottles taped to the bottom. I wonder what else I'm going to find in this apartment when I eventually move out.


	15. Chapter 14

Two more chapters after this! So close!

 **Chapter 14**

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

Deacon called me yesterday. I haven't heard from him in four months. Coleman rang me a month ago to say he'd dragged Deacon back to rehab for the third time after having to get his stomach pumped, yet again. Deacon begged and begged for me to come up to the cabin to visit him. Teddy was away on some business trip so I didn't feel like I was sneaking around on him when I hopped in my car and took Highway 65 out of Nashville towards the Kentucky border. I was nervous, and twice I almost turned around and headed back to Nashville. I didn't think this was a good idea, but I couldn't resist seeing him.

I pulled up behind his truck at the cabin. I loved this place. It really was my dream home and I wondered how long Deacon had searched real estate before he found it. As soon as I stepped onto the porch, Deacon was throwing open the door to invite me in.

"Hey" I said softly, sitting on the couch. He headed towards the kitchen

"Tea?" He offered, and I nodded when he looked over at me. He looked good. He looked sober, but honestly, I'm not sure I can tell the difference between sober and wasted Deacon anymore. He brought two cups over to the couch, and we sat and drunk in near silence.

"How's work?" He asked and I smiled.

"Good. I'm on a break from a tour at the moment, it finishes in September and then I go straight into a media tour for the next album to come out in October, national television, a few charity appearances." I couldn't stop talking, I needed to fill the awkward silence. "What are you doing to keep yourself busy?"

"Not sure yet. Only been outta rehab a week. Got my usual Thursday spot back at the Bluebird and that's all I've done so far. Luckily I had a pretty well paying job, and wrote some kick ass songs, got some money sitting around so no rush to find something"

"It's not healthy to hide out here all the time Deacon" I said softly, setting down my empty cup.

"I heard you been seeing Teddy Conrad. Seen it in a few magazines and papers" he said, and I nodded slightly.

"He's a good man. He doesn't drink. Treats me like a queen." I said, and he frowned.

"But he's not me, Ray. No-one will love you like I do" He said and I sighed. I knew this was going to happen, but I also knew that he was right. "I'm sober. I swear. Lets do this all properly. Marry me Ray" he pulled a ring out of his pocket, a simple band with engraved detailing, exactly what I would have picked if he'd asked for my input. I shouldve said no. Especially now, I know I should have walked away. I let him put it on my finger, and it fit perfectly. I don't think anyone but Deacon would be able to get my ring size perfect.

"Yes." I whispered, and he kissed me, pulling me as close as he could so he could start removing my clothes. We made love on the rug in front of the fire. Then he carried me to the bedroom where we snuggled and made love until the sun was about to come up.

I woke up alone, sometime towards midday. I panicked, and put on a dressing gown I'd left here. I'm surprised Deacon didn't get rid of it. Deacon was asleep on the couch. Not asleep. Passed out, I realised as I saw two bottles of Jack on the small table next to the tea cups we'd drunken from the previous day.

"Deacon" I said, shoving his shoulder until he moved. "So much for sober" I muttered.

"I couldn't sleep." he offered as an excuse.

"Were you drunk last night? When you asked me?" tears sprung to my eyes and he looked at the floor.

"Asked you what?" he looked back at me, his eyes widening as I pulled the ring off my finger.

"I'm such an idiot. Never again" I turned and slammed the bedroom door, dressing and rushing past him out the door. He hadn't moved from where he'd knelt down to pick up the ring, until I'd gotten to my car, and then he was standing there, begging me to stay, not to go back to Teddy.

"If you were truly happy with Teddy, you would have never come here" he yelled as I turned my car around.

It wasn't until I'd driven down the track and met the highway that I realised he's right. If Teddy completed me like Deacon used to, I would have never even answered his call. I wouldn't have wasted my time driving out here, when part of me knew he would've been drinking. Teddy's always going to be the safe choice, the second choice. I'm horrible. I can't believe I even think that. But in saying that, I could see myself, in time, coming to love Teddy. He's everything I wish Deacon could be. Everything Deacon refuses to be. I rung Teddy as I hit the outskirts of Nashville, asking if he wanted to come over for a late dinner when he arrived back in Nashville. He agreed, so I stopped by a supermarket to buy something I could cook. So something simple. I wasn't going to tell him what I'd done while he was away. I couldn't bare to tell him.

He arrived, looking handsome and smart as always. He'd bought his suitcase with him, coming straight from the airport. We talked, and then we sat in front of the TV for awhile. There was a knock on the door late at night, about a minute after Teddy had called for a taxi. He answered the door to a very drunk and angry Deacon Claybourne.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" He said angrily, pushing Teddy aside and entering angrily.

"I invited him here. Which I didn't invite you – so why are you here?" I said, standing up. "Please leave"

"I aint leaving until I get an explaination. I came to see my woman, and she's with another man."

"I'm not yours. I haven't been yours for a long time. And you turning up here, drunk and angry is the exact reason I'm not yours. Do you remember what happened last time we were both here?" He flinched, probably remembering the moment he'd slapped me.

"I think it's time you left Deacon." Teddy suggested, and Deacon saw red. He tried to punch Teddy, but Teddy is quick, he blocked it, grabbed Deacon by the shirt and pushed him out the door. "Try that again and I'll call the cops" He shut the door, and Deacon kicked it several times, before heading down the hall, cursing loudly. I let out the breath I was holding in as Teddy came over and hugged me. I didn't cry. I refused to cry.

"Stay with me tonight?" I asked softly and he nodded. I'd never asked him before, and he'd never asked me either. It was new. It was moving forward. Once we were in bed I waited, expecting him to make a move. But he didn't. And by that point I was craving his touch, wanting him to erase the memory of the previous night. "Make love to me" I whispered after I kissed him, and he smiled against my lips. As he put on a condom I realised that Deacon and I hadn't used anything last night, but pushed the thought from my head as Teddy gently, sweetly made love to me. It was different. But very pleasantly different.

* * *

Maddie felt a little sick, reading about her parents in bed. It was late Saturday afternoon, and she closed the book to take a break before she continued. She figured the next entry would be when her Mom found out she was pregnant. She headed downstairs, Deacon and Daphne were playing monopoly in the lounge, a music channel loudly playing on the TV.

"Where's Mom?" Maddie asked, smiling at the two. She liked how Deacon always spent time with Daphne as well as with her. Like he treated both of them like his own daughters, even though Daphne wasn't biologically.

"Music room" Daphne replied, neither of them took their eyes off the game. Maddie laughed and headed down the back hallway, knocking on the music room door before opening it and entering.

"Hey" Maddie said, and her Mom looked up and smiled. "What are you doing?"

"Writing" her Mom replied "Come and look at this. I'll play, you sing. I want to see what it sounds like, it doesn't sound quite right when I sing it." She handed Maddie the notepad she was writing on, and Maddie sat on a stool next to the piano.

" _Even if you think you're at a stand still_ _  
_ _Even when you've got nowhere to call home_ _  
_ _Everyone goes past you running uphill_ _  
_ _Just be here_

 _You don't have to understand the if and when_ _  
_ _You just need to understand it's part of life_ _  
_ _Never know for certain where you're going_ _  
_ _But you'll always arrive_

' _Cause the bridge that burned  
Took you out of the way  
Made you turn around  
Until you face the demons  
In the end you'll learn  
You get there anyway  
Sometimes it all goes wrong  
Goes wrong for the right reasons"_

"Mom, try changing around a few words in the second verse, how about - _Think of all the morning stars you would have missed, If you hadn't weathered through the dead of night, Every single heartbeat you didn't skip, Was the answer why –_ Then the chorus again?" Maddie suggested.

"Perfect. Knew you'd have a solution for me. I think I'm going to sing it at the bluebird tonight. We thought we might take you and Daphne with us."

"The Bluebird, really?! Oh yes please Mom!" Maddie said excitedly, and Rayna laughed. "Can I sing?"

"I hadn't thought about it, but why not. You and Daphne and I? What would you like to sing?" Maddie squealed and hugged her Mom.

"How about 'A Life That's Good'? Seems perfectly fitting to what we've got here now." Maddie said thoughtfully and Rayna agreed.

"Go ask Deacon to go get an early dinner after the game is finished, we'll practice while he is gone and surprise him" Her Mom said. Maddie couldn't wait. Her Bluebird debut. She couldn't wait to tell Talia.

The Bluebird was packed. Deacon was over sorting his and Maddie's guitars, her Mom was somewhere talking to someone, and her and Daphne were looking at the photos on the wall.

"Look, there's Mom and Deacon!" Daphne pointed to a photo in a frame, with a little label saying September 1990. Twenty two years ago.

"They look so young" Maddie said softly.

"Are you calling me old?" Deacon said from behind them, slinging an arm around each of them. "You two will be up on that wall some day."

"I hope so" The girls said together. "Where's mom?" Maddie asked, and Deacon shrugged.

"No idea. Haven't seen her since we got here. Probably working the room, you know what she's like"

"I can't believe she's letting us sing tonight" Maddie said, and Deacon squeezed her shoulder.

"Trust her instincts. She knows better than anyone what this business is like. Might seem like a bad thing now, but when you look back you'll understand. Are you going to tell me what you're singing?"

"No!" Daphne exclaimed, just as the talking around them stopped and they turned to see their Mom taking the stage. The three of them took their seats at a front table, Deacon was going to do a duet with Rayna and the girls were going to sing one song, and their Mom would do one or two of her own, including the one she'd written with Maddie earlier.

"This first one I'm doing tonight was a co-write with my amazingly talented daughter Maddie Conrad, who's here tonight, I'm so proud of you." And the guitarist behind her started on the opening chords to "Wrong for the Right Reasons", then she invited Maddie and Daphne up on stage. Maddie took her Guitar from the stage hand and grinned at her father who looked just as excited about this as he felt.

"Get Deacon up too, Mom" She whispered, and her Mom nodded.

"It didn't take long for us to decide what we wanted to sing here, tonight, it seems fitting to sing a song that was written here, by someone who's here tonight. Deacon, come on up so we can all sing 'A Life That's Good'"

" _Sitting here tonight, by the firelight..."_

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

I'm pregnant. God, I screwed up so bad. It's gotta be Deacon's. We had unprotected sex. Teddy always, always uses a condom. What a mess. The first thing I did was call Tandy, in tears, sobbing over the phone to her about tests, positives, and Deacon. She was at my door in record time. She thinks I should lie. Just tell Teddy that I'm pregnant. He doesn't know about that night with Deacon eight weeks ago, I can blame it on a possible broken condom and Teddy will accept that.

How can I lie? How can I not tell Deacon that I'm 99.999999% sure it's his child inside me? That secret would eat me alive, not to mention that he'd be heart broken if he ever found out. He's in rehab at the moment, as far as I'm aware.

"Tandy, I can't lie to Deacon. Why would you even ask me to do that?"

"Teddy will leave if you tell him the truth. Deacon can't stay sober enough to be a father. Do you want to have a child out of wedlock? Mama would be devestated." Oh, good guilt trip sis. I sighed.

"What if he just stopped drinking?"

"He won't. You know he won't. Teddy can provide the home that a mother and child need. And one day your child will be proud of a father who isn't an alcoholic."

"I need to think about this for myself Tandy. It's not as simple as you make it seem. It's not fair to Deacon or Teddy. Or myself for having to keep that secret."

And she let it be. For a few days at least. She accompanied me to the doctor for an ultrasound to see how far along I was. Sure enough, Eight weeks. Which dated roughly to that weekend I spent with Deacon. I still don't know what I'm going to do. Tandy's said that having a child out of wedlock will effect my career, a lot of country listeners are religious. She's right. So I need to choose one or the other. The love of my life, or the perfect family man. I want to be honest with both of them, who ever I choose.

Coleman rung a week later, saying that Deacon had bailed on rehab and asking if I'd seen him. I knew where he would be, without even talking to him, or seeing him. Tandy insisted on coming with me to check the cabin.

"I'm going to tell him Tandy. I can't lie" I said as we pulled up to the cabin, and sure enough, Deacon's truck was sitting in it's usual spot. We got out, and stepped onto the porch, Tandy grabbed my arm to hold me back as she heard smashing glass, and sure enough, we looked through the windows to see Deacon in full destruction mode.

"You think that's a safe environment for a child? He's hit you before Rayna, he could hit a child" I sighed. She was right. But lying? It still doesn't sit right.

"He still has a right to know that this is probably his child!" I said, tears, running down my cheeks.

"No he doesn't. Coleman's told you to cut him loose, this is the way to do it. You have to do this to protect that child." Tandy tugged me away, and I stopped and sobbed as I heard Deacon scream out in frustration and then the window smashed into a thousand pieces, and a chair landed on the lawn.

"Let's go" I said. If I'd gone to the door, chances are that chair would have hit me. As far as I'm aware, he didn't even know we'd been there.

"I'm still telling Teddy the truth though. I can't lie to everyone." I said as we drove away, sobbing. I could see Tandy's white knuckles gripping the steering wheel and knew she was just as nervous and scared about this as I was.

Teddy came round after he'd finished work that night, carrying a bag of chinese takeaway from my favourite chinese restaurant.

"Hey, babe, can we talk first?" I said softly as he hugged me. He nodded, looking at me with a worried look, probably seeing that I'd been crying for hours since I'd gotten home from that awful cabin trip. He put the oven on low and popped the bag in there to keep dinner warm.

"What's wrong Rayna?" He asked as he sat down next to me. I took his hands in mine and swallowed the fear.

"I'm pregnant. But I'm not entirely sure who the father is" I said softly, unable to meet his eyes.

"You're not sure – Deacon." He answered his own question and I nodded nervously.

"That weekend you went to Texas. I um, went up to the cabin. Afterwards he couldn't remember anything that had happened, he'd been too wasted. I don't want to see him ever again. He can't be a father." I cried, and eventually, a few minutes later – even though it felt like forever – Teddy pulled me into his chest. "I don't expect forgiveness, I just couldn't lie to you"

"I understand. My father was an alcoholic and every time he screwed up, my mother forgave him. I know it's not an easy cycle to break. But, I can't say I'm happy about it. I think I need some time to think. Do you mind if I go home tonight?" I let him go. I hurt him so bad. I apologised and he kissed my cheek, whispering that he loved me. Not all hope is lost, but at least I feel a lot better knowing I didn't tell him it was his.

There was a knock on my door two days later, I'd practically hibernated while I waited for Teddy to make his decision. I opened the door to see him standing there, a small smile on his face.

"Come on in. Wasn't expecting to see you this soon." I said, and we sat on the couch together. He reached into the inside pocket of his jacket and pulled out a box.

"Marry me. We'll raise up this baby right and proper. I'll love it like it's biologically mine, simply because it's yours, and I love you." He said, opening the box to reveal a large stoned ring. A bit too over the top for my taste, but the sentiment and the sacrifice he was making was huge.

"Oh, Teddy, really? Of course I will!" I said, and he pushed the ring onto my finger. It was at least 3 sizes too big.

"We'll go get it resized later. But, there are a few requests I have if we're going to do this" I nodded, feeling nervous. "I want my name on the birth certificate. Regardless of the baby's biological parentage, it's my child. Only we'll know the truth. You, Tandy and I."

"I don't know. I don't think it's right to lie to Deacon"

"How's he going to react when you tell him that you may be having his child, but you're marrying me?" I knew exactly how he'd react. He'd get drunk, he'd get angry, and he'd get unpredictable.

"Okay." I said, even though it felt like my heart was breaking in two. Teddy left for a late start at work, promising to only be a few hours so we could go sort out the ring. I cried after he left, for what felt like the whole day. I may have said okay, but I'm anything but Okay with this. I'm going to have to lie to Deacon for the rest of our lives if Teddy and Tandy get their way.


	16. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen**

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

I'm married. I am now Mrs. Theodore Conrad. I'm happy, but there is still a part of me that wishes I'd married the love of my life – that's what you're supposed to do right? We honeymooned in the Carribean and then we returned to normal life. Living in Teddy's condo while we look at houses. It feels different to when I shopped homes with Deacon, we're looking at big mansions, luxury penthouse apartments and massive estates. The bigger the better according to Teddy. A country music superstar shouldn't live in a 3 bedroom house in East Nashville like Deacon and I had dreamed of.

Deacon's gone back to rehab, as far as I know. And this time he's staying. He's defeated, I think. He has truly lost me this time. He can't win me back. I'm married, and as of last week, he'll probably know I'm pregnant too. Teddy and I were on the front page of the Tennessean last week, smiling in a photo under the headline "Queen of Country expecting a new addition!"

And then, when I was four months pregnant, Teddy found the perfect house. The perfect compromise at least. It was in Belle Meade, on the outskirts, in a gated community, a house that was modest compared to what I'd grown up in, but at the same time my entire apartment could have fitted into the master suite. But we signed the paperwork and we went shopping for new furniture. Soon enough we had a house to move into. We'd bought white nursery furniture, so when we found out a week later that we were having a girl, we could paint the walls pink and have a girls nursery.

I was eight months pregnant and sitting at home alone when the phone rung one afternoon. December 16th 1997. It was one of the guards at the gates, to ask if a 'Deacon Claybourne' was permitted to enter to visit. I let him in, even though I was tempted to say no, to not face what I needed to face. I opened the gates to our property from the door and watched Deacon drive a new Suburban into the driveway. I struggled to breathe a little when he got out. He was still as handsome as ever, and he walked so confidently now.

"Hey" I said softly as he approached the door.

"Hey Ray. Can I come in for a bit?" He asked, and I nodded, stepping back so he could enter.

"Tea?" I offered and he nodded. He sat at the kitchen counter watching as I prepared a tray with a plate of biscuits, a pot of tea and two cups. He poured himself a cup, and then smiled.

"I guess Congratulations are in order" he said and I nodded.

"Thank you" I said, trying to keep the conversation pleasant.

"I'm sorry I couldn't give you all this, Ray. I know it's what you always wanted, always deserved." He said, and I sighed.

"I'm sorry too. I wanted to share all this with you. But it got too much Deacon. You hit me. You threw a bottle at me. That's when I knew I couldn't do it any longer." I said sadly, trying not to let the tears in my eyes escape.

"I know. I screwed up. And it wasn't the first time. I broke your heart every way I could. I get that. And I'm taking responsibility. Gettin' my life back on track. Learning to live without the woman I thought I couldn't live without." He said sadly, and I walked around the counter to hug him awkwardly, mostly made awkward by my ginormous stomach. And partially by the pull I felt when I touched him. That connection that will probably never go away.

"You look amazing Ray, so beautiful" he said and I smiled.

"I don't feel it. I feel like a whale. My back hurts, my feet hurt, and I can't sing with this baby elephant pushing up into my diaphragm." I moaned. But in reality, as much as I hate that, I loved being pregnant. Feeling the life I knew Deacon and I had created move inside me was magical. Not that I could tell him that. "Not many people know, but it's a girl. Teddy's over the moon." I added.

"Bet he is. A little girl who will be as beautiful and talented as her Mama, I'm sure." Deacon said sadly.

"I hope we can still be friends though, Deacon. You were always my best friend, as well as everything else."

"Of course. I'll always be there when you need me Ray, for anything." He swore and I sniffed back tears. It was so tempting to just lean over and kiss him, right there and then. To drag him upstairs and have him make love to me the way no-one else could. But the rings on my finger are a quick reminder of exactly why I can't.

"Well maybe when I'm off maternity leave, if you think you're up to it, you'll come back on tour with me"

"I dunno Ray. I'll see." He said nervously, and I nodded in understanding.

"Up to you." I said softly, patting his hand. I know he's scared of falling into the old drinking patterns. He stood up all of a sudden.

"I better go. It's been good catching up. If you need absolutely anything from me, even if it's just some weird craving you need from the supermarket, let me know" He said, heading towards the door, I followed and he stopped at the door to give me a small hug.

"Thanks for coming, it was good to see you again." I said, and when I closed the door I ran up to the master bedroom to cry. I feel like I've made a huge mistake. I want this house, this life, this baby with Deacon. Not Teddy. As much as I've grown to care for Teddy, a simple touch from Deacon makes me more excited than a touch from Teddy ever could. What have I done? Not only have I trapped myself, I've trapped Deacon and Teddy. Shit. If I wasn't pregnant I'd get drunk. Instead I'm trying to write it all down before I explode.

Hang on...

 _This love ain't big enough_ _  
_ _for the two of us_ _  
_ _Locked 'n' loaded, it's high noon_ _  
_ _Make my day, you son of a gun_ _  
_ _This love ain't big enough_ _  
_ _For the two of us_

At least I might be able to make a song out of this.

* * *

"Have you seen this Maddie? We're in the paper!" Daphne threw today's copy of the Tennessean at her "Page 3"

"Really!?" Maddie exclaimed, flicking to page 3, where sure enough there was a picture of the four of them onstage at the bluebird, with the headline - 'Family Night at the Bluebird'

"Rayna Jaymes was joined on stage at the bluebird by old-turned-new lover Deacon Claybourne and daughters Maddie, 14, and Daphne, 10, for a surprise performance of Deacon's song 'A Life That's Good'. Claybourne and Jaymes then sung their 1996 #1 hit song, 'The Rivers Between Us', leaving a lot to question whether they'd ever really called it quits, the two look just as in love today as they did 24 years ago when they first started performing together." Maddie read allowed and frowned.

"Cool picture, right? I'm taking it to school to show my friends tomorrow!" Daphne said, taking the paper back.

"Really cool, Daph." Maddie said, smiling at her excited sister. Some things never changed. Daphne was like the sunshine, always so positive and happy. She wished she could be like that. Daphne skipped out of the room, nearly running into their mother. Rayna laughed as she entered the lounge and sat down on the couch next to Maddie.

"Paper's still reckon you and Deacon had been having an affair." Maddie stated, and Rayna nodded.

"We know the truth though, and that's what counts. I never stopped loving Deacon, but I never ever betrayed your Dad" her mother said with a soft smile.

"I know Mom. I believe you. Do you reckon now that we've sung at the bluebird we could start doing it more often?" Rayna laughed.

"Maybe. But no record deal til you're out of high school. At least. I'm not budging on that, sweetheart, you know that." Maddie scowled, stood up and took the journal up to her room. She was good at school, she'd be able to sing professionally and keep up her grades. Sometimes, her Mom was so unfair.

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

Madeline Virignia Conrad is the most beautiful baby I've ever laid eyes on. There was no denying who her father was before they tested, which confirmed what I knew, Teddy wasn't her biological father. And it tears me apart inside to think that if I keep my promise to Teddy, she and Deacon will never know.

She's got Deacon's eyes. And his hair. And those fingers, I know one day they will play guitar with effortless skill. I'm so proud that we managed to make something so perfect. But every time I look at her it makes me want Deacon. And then I feel guilty. She's not Deacon's now, I took that away from him. And then I hate myself for it.

She's so content, unlike her father. She feeds and sleeps. Nursing her is a dream. Visitors have come and go while I've been home, Tandy, Daddy, Bucky, a few friends of mine, and she's content to be held by anyone. Rarely fusses. I'm so lucky. I know she's going to be a dream to travel with on tour when the time comes. Although that's about the only thing Teddy and I argue about. He wants me to stay home. But I don't think I can do that, be a stay at home Mom. We've talked about him taking some time off work so that we don't have to get a Nanny. I've explained that I have a contract, if the label want me to tour, I've gotta tour. And they've been pretty lenient. I've got almost a whole album recorded, I want to put "This love aint big enough" and another song on it, and it'll be complete. Bucky said last week, while he sat on the couch awkwardly holding Maddie that they want to release it the last week of May, then send me on tour at the start of June. I don't know. I don't know if I can replace my lead guitarist. And I don't know if Deacon will want to continue. Bucky's going to send him a contract anyway. If he sends it back signed, we win. If not, then we find someone else.

Teddy absolutely adores Maddie. And being a father. He rushes home in the evening and heads upstairs to peek in on her napping, and when she wakes like clockwork every night as we're finishing dinner, he goes up to bring her down to me to nurse, and then bathes and dresses her while I sort the dishes. He thanks me all the time for letting him be her father. I admire him for what he's doing, I don't think he could love her any more if she was his. He reads her stories before she goes down for the night, and he gets ready for bed. He's volunteered to do night feeds if I want to express, but in all honesty, I like to go in and sit in that chair in the nursery in the middle of the night, feed my beautiful Maddie, and usually I'll cry about what could have been. Because even now, it's been over a year since that awful morning when I told Deacon I was permanently done, I wished I could go back and change it. I know in time the feeling will lessen. Maybe. I loved my daughter too much to stay and see if this would be the time he would succeed. I have to protect my child, and if that means sacrificing myself, I will.

* * *

 **A/N -** Last chapter should be up tomorrow! So excited to finish, but so sad that this story is over. What would people like to see in the last chapter? Let me know and I might squeeze a few suggestions in :)


	17. Chapter 16

**Chapter Sixteen**

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

Tomorrow we leave for the tour. I'm nervous. Deacon sent back the contract Bucky delivered to him almost immediately. He was on board. We talked at rehearsals and I said no duets. It scares me a little, what singing a duet on stage with my soul mate could potentially unearth. No way am I risking Maddie's perfect home life to sing a song with Deacon. I feel bad belting out some of the songs on the new album, songs I've written about him, like "This love ain't big enough". But we practiced and practiced until the awkwardness was gone.

Teddy's not happy about it. To the point where he threatened to quit his job and stay home with Maddie while I toured. And then he said he was coming too. And eventually I made him see that I loved him, wasn't going to leave him, and that having Deacon around in my band eased my guilty conscience, but I promised not to tell Deacon the truth. And it's going to be hard not to tell him. Extremely hard. But I've promised my husband and I don't want to ruin our marriage. And I know he loves Maddie so much.

I'm excited though, this is a huge tour, June through to December, then late January through to May. With me as a headliner. My second headlining tour, but there's still a lot of pressure. All the dates sold out in minutes and we even had to add an extra night in New York, Los Angeles, Houston and Nashville. This is exactly what I have always dreamed of. Being labeled the Queen of Country Music, like so many of my heroes.

* * *

 _Rayna's Journal_

Today is Maddie's first birthday. It was a reasonably cold January day, and Teddy had insisted on hiring space at the country club (I still hate that place with a passion!) and we invited family and friends with children, Bucky, Coleman and Audrey all came as well. It was great to see everyone we knew and loved interacting with Maddie, who is a bit of a social butterfly once she's over the original shyness of a large crowd. In her pink tutu dress, stockings and pink cowboy boots, she was happy to toddle around holding onto Teddy's hand. She's just started walking in the last month, and god I have my hands full. She's everywhere. It's going to be such a mission when we head back out on tour next week.

I call her my platinum baby, the album I released a few months after she was born, went platinum in a week. Now it's triple platinum. Maddie's like a little good luck charm. Or just a charm in general, she has all the guys on the tour bus wrapped around her finger. Especially 'Uncle Deacon', who bought her the little cowboy boots for Christmas. A very sober Uncle Deacon. Who miraculously managed to make it through a full June-December tour without doing something stupid. I felt awful for ages realising that I think he's really stuck with sobriety this time. And then there was the guilt that maybe I should have waited. And then there were the dark thoughts that maybe it was my fault he'd been driven to drinking, pills and crap.

Bucky hired an assistant for me. To assist with Maddie during concerts and sound checks. Maddie came with me to every interview and meet and greet. I think he called it an assistant to make me feel better, I'd refused to hire a nanny. But for a few hours, 4 at the most, every 1-2 days was alright. Teddy came out when he could on weekends. She loves coming to sound check, little earmuffs on, and sitting in the stands or walking around the front of the arena with my assistant. Occasionally I'll take off the earmuffs when the bands not playing and let her try the microphone. But what she really wants when she gets on stage – is Deacon and his guitar. I still think she'll definitely make a great guitar player. Deacon sits her on his lap on the bus when he rides with us and she'll strum the strings for ages, listening to the sounds and the different chords Deacon switches between with his fingers. I'm a bit jealous, a year old and a better guitar player than me. Martina and Faith have given me heaps of tips about parenting on the road – things to make it easier, and what battles to let slide. Maddie doesn't like day naps any more. So we do early bedtime – I put her to bed in a hotel or on the bus with my assistant to watch her, about 6pm, and she'll easily sleep through til 9am.

Weekends when Teddy comes out, we go sightseeing, and he takes Maddie while I'm onstage, sometimes even bringing her and her little earmuffs to see the show, although she's always asleep on his shoulder by the time the show is finished. Not often happens though, Teddy is more than happy to avoid Deacon like the plague. Although the look on his face when a little eleven month old girl asked for "Deke" nearly drove him crazy. She'd been saying Mama and Daddy for awhile, as well as hi and bye, but word number five was indeed "Deke" and Deacon was over the moon. He admitted sadly one afternoon that he would make a much better uncle than a father and that Maddie and Scarlett would be the closest he would have to kids of his own. I cried myself to sleep that night, as well as so many others. Dreaming of a life that could have been.

But on the happy side, we partied away most of the day. The whole lounge downstairs is stacked with presents. The wooden outdoor playhouse from Daddy, the toy baby and pram from Tandy, the piles of clothes and smaller toys from others. It's going to take me most of the day to find places to put everything. We've actually been considering turning one of the downstairs rooms into a playroom to keep this mass of toys out of the kitchen and lounge.

Daddy absolutely dotes on his first grandchild. I still dislike being around him, but I agreed when Tandy said that Maddie deserved to have a relationship with her Papa. And she adores him and much as he adores her. But to be honest, Maddie adores nearly everyone in her life. He picked her up and carted her round, bragging about her walking before her first birthday, teaching her to shake hands and say hi to people. She even managed to light up his face by saying 'Papa' for the first time.

I'd ordered a minnie mouse cake, Maddie loves watching Mickey on the tour bus. She squealed with excitement as Teddy and I helped her blow out the candles after everyone sung her happy birthday. And then she reached out and grabbed hand fulls of icing and tried to lick it off her fingers. Huge mess, but way too cute to tell her off for. I kinda hope the photographer Tandy said we 'needed', got a snap of it, so I can show Maddie one day. Maybe embarrass her with it on her 21st.

Being a mom is the most rewarding thing I've ever done. Seeing her happy, giggling and smiling makes me happier than any platinum record or CMA award ever could. She's the light of my life, and over the last year, watching her grow, watching her and Teddy, and seeing Teddy become the best father I could have wanted for Maddie, has made me fall in love with him, properly. Doubts still linger, and honestly the only thing at this stage that will get rid of the lingering doubts, is this book. The memories and feelings in here about the past are now ones that I'd rather forget, I remember every time I open my suitcase and see this book. So now that I'm home, I'm going to forget about it. No more journal, I'm going to hide it away for many many years until I can finally tell Maddie the truth, and Deacon as well, and maybe this will help them understand the conflict. Even now it seems like we've made a wrong choice, but for the right reasons. All I've ever wanted from day one is to protect the daughter I love with all my heart.

Maddie closed the book. That was it. Most of her questions had been answered. She understood why her Mom had done what she'd done, and she felt sorry for her that she had to make such a big decision. But at the end of the day, her intentions had been right, she'd protected her daughter. Maddie. And she'd given Maddie the best life she could have. She still wasn't sure what she thought about her Daddy's part in all of this, but in time she could probably forgive him too, for he had never ever made her feel like anything less than his own daughter, never loved her any less that he had Daphne.

She put the book in the top shelf of wardrobe, next to the shoe box that her Mom had given her but she hadn't looked in yet. She wasn't sure when she'd open that box of memories, or even if she could bring herself to do it. It held her Mom's most treasured memories. Did Maddie want to invade her mothers private life even more than she already had?

* * *

Maddie found her mother in the lounge, reading a music magazine on the couch with a cup of tea.

"I finished your book" Maddie stated as she sat down next to her Mom. Rayna shut the magazine and put it on the coffee table.

"And?" Rayna asked, raising her eyebrow.

"I love you Mom." Maddie said, leaning over to hug her mother.

"I love you too sweet girl"

"I know you were protecting me Mom. That means a lot to me. Growing up here, with you and Daddy and Daphne, it was the best. You sacrificed your own happiness for mine, and that is the best thing you could have ever done for me. It must have been so hard for you"

"Once I let go of the past, I was happy. For a long time I was very happy and content with my life. I did my best for you, and eventually for Daphne too. Daphne was born out of love, I did love your Daddy. I just didn't love the man he became in the last year, corrupted by my Daddy so easily, so happy to trample on anyone to achieve his goals. He put you and your sister's happiness on the line just so that he could become mayor. That didn't sit right with me, and I knew I couldn't pretend any more." Her Mom said sadly, and Maddie nodded thoughtfully.

"I'm glad you and Deacon ended up together Mom. I watch you two together and it's like magic. I can tell you never had that connection with Daddy, and thinking back, I'd never noticed that even though you weren't together that way, you and Deacon never lost that connection. I hope I find the love you two have when I'm an adult."

"Don't rush into it like I did. Take your time. And I think Deacon and your Daddy are both going to do anything they can to prevent you from dating for at least another ten years" They laughed.

"Thanks for sharing your story with me." Maddie said and Rayna squeezed her hand.

"Anytime, sweetheart. I know it was important for you to know what happened so you could understand and move on. And it's not a story I'll ever really be ready to tell completely, so it seemed right to just let you read it so that I didn't have to relive it myself." Rayna admitted sadly. Maddie had never seen her Mom this open, and happy to communicate about the sadder parts of her life. Her mother had always been so strong, so positive and Maddie found herself respecting her mother more than ever for being able to talk about this stuff without breaking down in tears. She hoped one day that she could be as strong as her mother.

"And I don't think anything less of Daddy either. I know he made a big decision accepting me as his own. It must have been a big challenge for him, especially if he knew he wasn't your first choice, and that Deacon was always there with you. It must have been as hard for him as it was for you."

"I know. I have a lot of admiration and respect for what he did. And I always will." Rayna smiled brightly as Deacon entered the room. "Hey babe"

"Hey, two of my favourite girls. How's it going?" He said, kissing Maddie on the forehead and kissing Rayna on the lips before sitting down. Maddie watched as her mother leaned into his side, looking like she was drawing strength from having him close to her.

"Good, what are you doing here?" Maddie said happily "Not that I'm not glad you're here, Dad."

"I'll never get tired hearing that. Being called Dad." Deacon replied, and Maddie beamed at him. "But I'm here for a pretty crap reason. Scarlett just emailled me a link. Let me show you" He grabbed the iPad off the table and entered a web address, bringing up a tabloid article.

 **'Madeline Conrad – Or should it be Claybourne?'**

 _A Source close to the Conrad family revealed to us today that the oldest daughter of country singer Rayna Jaymes and Mayor Conrad isn't actually Mayor Conrad's biological child. The father in question of Madeline 'Maddie' Conrad, is indeed Deacon Claybourne, long time love of Rayna Jaymes and her lead guitarist in her band, even during her marriage to Mayor Conrad._

 _Anyone from Mayor Conrad's team or Rayna Jaymes management declined to comment._

The article went on, but Deacon closed the page before Maddie could read anymore.

"Daddy. I can bet it was him" Rayna said, leaning forward, her elbows on her knees and rubbing her temples with her fingertips.

"Has Bucky not got hold of you?" Deacon asked and Rayna cursed under her breath.

"Phone was on silent" she said, grabbing her phone off the table and looking at the screen. "12 missed calls. 3 voicemails" she groaned.

"How are we going to do this?" Maddie asked, and her parents looked at her.

"Well, I guess we'd better get Teddy over here and discuss this properly. I suppose we'll have to do some sort of media interveiw or press conference. This is going to be a media frenzy" Rayna said, standing and pacing the floor as she text her ex-husband quickly.

"But now it'll be all out in the open, no more lies and we can all move on and be happy. Together. You, me, Daphne and Maddie, like it's always supposed to have been" Deacon said, standing and walking to Rayna and putting his arms around her. Maddie stood as well and wrapped her arms around her parents.

"I love you Mom, and I love you Dad. We got this"

 **THE END**

Wow, what a journey! Hope you've all enjoyed reading as much as I've enjoyed writing. Keep your eyes out for the companion I'm about to start, little one-shots that work with this story, all the memories in the box that Rayna gave Maddie, to fill in some of the gaps between the journal entries. Thanks for all the support and reviews!


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